From Beau With Love

Mea Culpa

2012-02-03T14:45:00.000-08:00

We have played a game

of reversing roles where

I have crashed into you

and hurt you.

(although I don't believe beyond repair)

I was so busy, absorbed, occupied

chasing whilst staring over my shoulder

at the you regarding me

waiting for your attack

that I didn't realise I

was putting knives in your back.

Here we are

you've taken a stand

and I miss your hand

in mine.

And whilst they all clamour for my attention

I can feel the tension

it's in my heart

because this is the crossroad

where possibility

becomes reality

or history.

"I don't care if it's five minutes or a whole night

I just want to see you"

With love, Beau xx

2012-01-29T13:42:00.001-08:00

I miss him

that's everything.

With love, Beau xx

Hello There

2011-12-21T03:57:00.000-08:00

the angel from my nightmare

welcome to the cold times.

With love, Beau xx

Stolen

2011-12-04T12:55:00.000-08:00

I opened, at last,

and then you went

taking the things that had cushioned this fall

with you.

And what a silly girl I am

for pretending this wouldn't

hurt me properly after all.

Because now a thousand knives penetrate my skin

and I am a thing

on a list that stretches a mile long.

I am the past. I am a story. I am words.

I am not a heart or a feeling.

With love, Beau xx

In this dimension

2011-12-03T09:06:00.000-08:00

4 weeks is a very long time

With love, Beau xx

Sun is rising

2011-11-27T04:14:00.000-08:00

My cheeks hurt

because I have smiled

for the last 14 hours

straight.

With love, Beau xx

Alternative

2011-11-25T02:06:00.000-08:00

I wish

that we become how we were

that I remember that night and whether

I said no,yes,maybe

that you trust me

especially when I say

that since I've been yours

I have not looked at a single other man

as anything other than a friend

because I do not see their faces.

I miss yours

I love yours

I am yours

And I can't bear the thought of an incident

that I cannot recall or fathom

throwing that all away.

Here it is: Please I need you. Please don't go.

With love, Beau xx

Hello?

2011-11-24T02:27:00.001-08:00

I'm not going to beg

for you to forgive me

because if I do that

and it is your love for me, your pity for me

that changes your mind

we will be eternally haunted

because you must be the one to decide.

I will say this

I love you

& I more than kind of need you.

With love, Beau x x

Cleanse

2011-11-23T08:05:00.001-08:00

I'm burning up inside

surely this is what you do when you enter hell

and that appears to be where I am

and that is because of me, and you, and us

and the things we do.

Did, though.

Because that is past

although I wish it wouldn't last

as part of memory

my history.

I detest the fact I am just a number

on a list that you have lost the strength to remember.

I detest you

in all honesty.

I detest you

for changing me

for breaking my morals, personality, humanity down

into digestible pieces

for your own pleasure.

And killing me with your mind games

emotional, caring names

false gestures.

Because you never cared, never

I am just a number

that is all I remember.

With love, Beau xx

Tala

2011-11-09T12:39:00.001-08:00

That name filled with warmth

brings light to my life.

With Love, Beau x x

X

2011-11-08T16:10:00.000-08:00

For me

this was once in a lifetime

and yet it has shattered everything.

And so for you

who has acted this scene

a thousand times

how do you even survive?

And I realise that it was that drive, to keep you alive

that made me hold too tight.

I cared and in that I was mistaken.

Because you have wounds to heal

and I am just a meal

that keeps your soul's starvation

at bay.

Do you realise that I am destroyed?

Do you realise that I'm still your toy?

Do you realise that I can help you boy?

I can help you

and I want to

and I don't think you've had that for a while.

With Love, Beau xx

This is the thing

2011-10-31T11:05:00.000-07:00

This is where my heart can't take over.

In my head

2011-10-30T08:38:00.000-07:00

I should not be inserting you into my dreams

you said never

and I believed

but I can't help but picture

you & me.

With Love, Beau xx

Un amour

2011-10-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

And suddenly

there comes a gust of wind

and the foundation shifts.

It is a smile

that has reinvented all this.

That has reminded me

who me

used to be.

and I am new again

and that is a confusing

upsetting

devastating

exciting

thrilling

hopeful

fateful

thing.

What is this?

With love, Beau xx

Nowadays

2011-10-24T16:41:00.000-07:00

My heart is melting bit by bit,

he's got me in a little twist.

I smile every day.

With Love, Beau xx

Hello

2011-10-14T15:37:00.000-07:00

And now I am like this

I can say

the things I've been meaning to

the truth, or at least underlying shadows

of us.

For instance

that you hurt me, occasionally,

and that that emphasises the fact, in my mind,

that I am not good enough.

And that, sometimes, I wonder

if you know who I am

because I always act happy for you

because that is what I feel I need to do.

But then I remember the times I've been honest about the past

about my heart

how despite the scars

you said

I love you

before I knew it to be true.

And I realise that it's more that I need

reassurance

from you, rather than that the foundation isn't there.

With Love, Beau xx

2011-10-14T07:35:00.000-07:00

Are these cliched terms conveying correctly?

Because occasionally I worry that they seem false, fake, immature

Which is the opposite of what they are.

Fairy stories

2011-10-14T07:11:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time

I mentioned forever

or almost forever at any rate.

I have never regretted saying anything more.

Because although we're not there yet

I'm looking at this rationally

through a grown up's eyes

(because supposedly we are both grown up's)

and seeing that this risk, hurt, complication

would not be worth it if that wasn't a possibility.

So no I'm not planning for it

I'm not resting on it

and I'm certainly not going to force it.

But I have no intention of going anywhere

and I kinda like you.

With Love, Beau xx

I tried my best to never let you in

2011-10-14T07:03:00.000-07:00

We are different

because we were entirely an accident.

For once,

the first time

in a long time

love was the last thing I wanted.

And then you came.

And you made me fall

because of who you are

not because of what I hunted.

It is you that I am in love with

and for that reason

this, us, we are real.

(But in all honesty I think you know that because it courses through every moment I spend with you)

I can't deny this anymore.

We wouldn't be trying this if it wasn't true.

With love, Beau xx

Corazon

2011-10-02T17:18:00.000-07:00

My definition of home has suddenly

and unexpectedly

changed.

No it's not what you think

or rather it's not where I now reside.

It's a place that moves

a place that grounds me

a place that is a person.

Because isn't home meant to be where you feel safest?

Here's the kicker

I feel safest with him

With love, Beau xx

Ours

2011-09-14T18:45:00.001-07:00

'Don't you worry your pretty little mind,

people throw rocks at things that shine'

I pinch myself when I realise he's mine.

With love, Beau xx

Truth

2011-09-05T12:52:00.001-07:00

Why be so bloody convoluted.

my darling I want to be yours

in fact I already am.

I have a plan, I have an atlas in my hands

2011-09-05T12:44:00.001-07:00

There's this thing

hanging over our heads

a monster, a shadow, a haunting.

What with decisions

being made at a particular point in time

things can change

and my plans aren't quite as perfect now.

So another decision is looming

although

whether it'll actually be made....

....well that I don't know.

One thing I do know is that this:

'I know it's gotta stop love but I don't know how'

is the last thing I want to be relevant right now.

Whether he agrees with me on that

whether he's a fighter, a dreamer, a believer

I can't quite tell.

This is a big one.

With love, Beau xx

How to save a life

2011-09-01T18:53:00.001-07:00

I love working out

where things are going

as they go.

But maybe that's because,

so far,

things have been going

rather well.

Is this it?

With Love, Beau xx

Auribus teneo lupum

2011-08-17T03:53:00.000-07:00

I'm addicted to my partner in crime

and this summer of.....who knows?

What I do know is that I'm enjoying every second.

Taking this wolf by the ears

and running with it

With Love, Beau xx

Classroom

2011-08-16T13:06:00.001-07:00

One of the best lessons

I have received of late was

have low expectations and then great things will come as a happy surprise

And although this message

was tongue in cheek

to the vast extreme

in the case of that particular person

it has worked perfectly.

Every day is an extraordinary surprise

I'm a very lucky girl.

With love, Beau xx

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Clifftop

2011-08-07T18:18:00.000-07:00

There is a moment

always

when you have the choice

to either fall over the edge

or protect yourself

from both harm and love.

You can feel the tugging

but equally the potential will to turn away

and you consider both options

ardently

because you fear pain but hope for....something.

Tonight

I think

I chose to fall.

So much for one night.

With Love, Beau xx

Rolling in the deep

2011-08-02T13:43:00.001-07:00

Life has changed

G is gone

done, dusted.

But here I am being myself again

and thus

the world has thrown

somewhat of a spanner in my works

I met a someone

And I know he's a someone

even though I try desperately to deny it.

With Love, Beau xx

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Maybe

2011-07-24T16:26:00.000-07:00

it's not safe to wear my heart on my sleeve yet

Oh crap

Flip Reverse

2011-07-24T14:01:00.001-07:00

I realized the difference

between this and everything that's come before.

I've known all along that this was special

but it's kinda awesome

to know why.

Ultimately it comes down to this:

Whereas before I couldn't imagine my life without someone, I was afraid to minus them out after the fact.

Now, this time, even without full commitment, I know I have to have him in my life. I have to make him a part of my life. I have to plus him in.

It's that which makes this so very ridiculously special.

With Love, Beau xx

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Charming

2011-07-23T04:53:00.001-07:00

This photo

Is from the day of my grand return.

He scarfed his gift down

Inelegantly

Childishly

Hungrily.

In short in the opposite way to how he does anything else.

I lahved it.

Ah memories.

With love, Beau xx

- Posted using BlogPress

Nothing's greater than the rush that comes with your embrace

2011-07-19T13:45:00.000-07:00

D Day

surprisingly easy it turns out.

I guess my boy missed me just as much

as I missed him

he just expresses it differently.

That quote most definitely applies.

With Love, Beau xx

Two words

2011-07-17T13:52:00.000-07:00

Two words

'take care xx'

and my heart crumbles a little bit more.

I wonder

if he realises

that I have taken more risks

than could ever be logical. Or safe.

With Love, Beau xx

Childish games

2011-07-17T04:59:00.000-07:00

When the games we've been playing

involve the mind more than the soul

involve the negative more than the positive

then we destroy each other.

I wish we'd play games

for fun

instead.

Because we have that together: fun in enormous quantities.

(copyright: Francesca Russell)

I even do cartwheels.

With Love, Beau xx

Problem No. 1

2011-07-15T12:07:00.001-07:00

Our biggest problem is that

simply isn't used to

me.

Or at least he cannot

deal with the way

I lose my mind

get properly pissed off

and say things I don't mean.

It's an awful habit

but you have to get it

to love moi.

And that's why he doesn't love me. Yet* (*I hope)

We've said goodbye before. So I'll be ok. Right? RIGHT?

(This picture reminds me of all the reasons why I love him)

Trying not to die inside a little each day

but my normally forceful hope

is shaky.

With Love, Beau xx

Fresco

2011-07-15T05:13:00.000-07:00

Things have changed. I've changed. That's why I'm back.

Beau & Bub ended (officially) in Deciembre. Though we died inside long before that. I became me for the first time in a long time. I was a happy girl. But then I did the dumb thing.

I fell in love again.

This guy isn't new. Not in the slightest. In fact on here you know him as G. But I saw him through single eyes as a grown up and bam. Love. Truly. Crazily. In a kinda....permanent...way.

Then all this: went traveling, we went to fast, talked everyday, came home - early, got collected, slept, lay, fell more, money is valuable, fell again, it got hard, missing him, priorities, a talk, desperation, clinginess, I said I wanted to be alone - lie, I cried, a lot, fell more as I appreciated the amount of pain, asked for him back, kinda, invited him over.

So I see him. Tuesday. God knows what will happen. I've never felt this way before. I am terrified. We will see.

With Love, Beau xx

AWOL

2010-08-08T14:25:00.000-07:00

It's summer

and I'm free and I'm happy.

But that means I've been gone.

Hey least it's cos I'm happy?!

So the first of these busy bee events
was Bub's
'coming of age'
or 18th birthday as normal people would say...

it was special.

That's Bub with his box.
My mission this summer was to make him happy
and I think this did it.

Though I've been working all the time
so my mission is failing :(

I do plan to make this better.

A LOT better.

With Love, Beau xx

Belated

2010-07-19T00:56:00.000-07:00

I'm kinda exceedingly

rubbish
at following up on awards I get.

But I decided this blog might need a break from all the heartache that's been happening.

1. List your 10 favourite songs on your iPod

Always - Blink 182 - possibly my favourite song of all time. After all it's all about trying and trying can seriously work for your relationship. I just lurrvveee Blink.

Paparazzi - Lady Gaga - for me Gagita is kinda hit and miss but this song just screams awesome. Maybe it's the psycho stalking persona within.

Say My Name - Destiny's Child - somehow the spunk of this song just instantly gives a girl a boost of confidence. It ain't really my kinda music but still I loves it which is the only important thing.

Bless The Broken Road - Rascal Flatts - uhuh I'm a country obsessive. Whatcha gonna say about it?

Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash - classic

Heartbreaker - Led Zeppelin - ditto

Perfect Gentleman - Wyclef Jean - Bub has gotten me obsessed with Wyclef. This song is just awesome.

I Wish - Skee Lo - Yup more old school hip-hop from the archives of Bub.

Creep - Radiohead - Reading 2009 + Bub = memory

Stay - Miley Cyrus - Ok totally not a song I will love forever. But right now, lyrically it suits mine and Bub's issues down to a tee. So for now I loves it.

It was annie from Youth is Wasted on the Young who gave me this award and I kinda wanna give i back. I also wanna give it to Gee at Pretty Divine, Milly at Mlle-Milly and Pippa at Clashing Time.

I would give it to B at Stars Like Little Fish but that would be pointless huh?

With Love, Beau xx

Obsessed

2010-07-12T15:10:00.000-07:00

So I've decided

I will get married in a Delphine Manivet dress.

Although this may seem like pre-planning
I'll kinda explain.

I've always found French design fascinating
and a French wedding dress/evening gown:
delicious.

Maybe this means I should stick it out
with my French Bub.

That's what my heart if not my head says at the very least.

With Love, Beau xx

Pattern Repeat

2010-07-11T14:47:00.000-07:00

Why is it that every single day
something small
must make you mad at me?

Cos although I know that
later
you will forgive me
each little incident adds a crack to our relationship.

Those cracks will one day
ultimately
break apart.

Essentially you're killing us
and it is precisely that
that is killing me.

With love, Beau xx

This month

2010-07-08T16:26:00.000-07:00

we're going to

PARIS

in like less than two weeks.

I never though it'd happen
and as bub's mother said
'whether you have an awesome or awful time, you'll have the stories to tell'

woo, loves it (and the millions of pictures I will inevitably take)!!

With Love, Beau xx

'Your fingertips across my skin....

2010-07-06T02:50:00.000-07:00

....the palm trees swaying in the wind

images.'

it's images like these which means
I can't quite let go

yet.

With Love, Beau xx

'I know I'm not a wasted case'

2010-07-02T15:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm drowning

but then I realise that I'm so much more
than relying on other people
than those other people themselves
if they're not gonna love me.

And then you come through for me anyway
and I realise I'm in thrilled anticipation
of where this may go.

((you knew this was the way things should be all along))

Right now I'm alone

and that is just fine.

But I would rather like to be together with you.

Let's feel it out.

With Love, Beau xx

photo credit: flickr

2010-07-01T09:29:00.000-07:00

I'm sick of the hurt

coursing through my veins

you leave me alone

when I need you,

and if I was way too much to take on tell me - I choose you.

Ouch

2010-06-28T12:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think that you don't care at all

that someone out there is putting temptation in my face
just to rip my heart from my chest
but not yours.

Then when you smile at me, compliment me, make me feel special
my heart soars and once again I realise -
I am utterly addicted to you.

So what to do?

I know what I want.
I want you to fall in love with me
like I'm falling for you

That's all I want
a guarantee of forever from you.

It hurts that I can't yet get that from you.

With Love, Beau xx

photo credit: flickr

Torn

2010-06-20T12:56:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm breaking in half

I just don't know which half will be biggest yet.

Either way this will hurt.

With Love, Beau xx

(falling dangerously in love)

photo credit: flickr

Today was a Fairytale

2010-06-14T10:58:00.001-07:00

Ok.

So I've got used to me studying.
I've even got used to me studying
every single day.

Bub majorly struggled to get used to it
and we fought
got all red in the face
and took everythings out on each other.

What I NEVER could have imagined
is that Bub would try studying himself

and would, in fact, take to it.

Dayum he's like a lil bookworm.

(ok so that picture is of him reading literature which he's done his whole life but still)

Maybe now none of those horrible stressful upsetting fights please?

With Love, Beau xx

Blast from the Past

2010-06-08T05:59:00.000-07:00

Today is a revision day
like every day
has been
for a lifetime.

Or so it feels.

My iPods on shuffle since I don't have time to choose the songs.

This means that stuff like this song comes up.

You should know that I had no idea this was on my iPod.

Who would've thought Jessica Simpson would be adding the excitement to my day?

With Love, Beau xx

Premonition Demolition

2010-06-07T13:19:00.001-07:00

Today I got voted

most likely to marry first

by my classmates in my yearbook.

This feels strangely ominous. Maybe cos it's true that I really am that kinda person.

Would I be a failure if I don't fulfil it?

Strange times.

With Love, Beau xx

(sorry for the lack of posts - my internet blew up. Then I lost my phone charger. The world hates me.)

Summertime

2010-05-30T05:34:00.001-07:00

Ah sometimes I gasp at how delicious my boy is

especially in the sunshine.

Yep I'm quite aware I'm the only one who sees it.

I had to miss his little fire/bbq celebratory gathering
which bummed us both out.

I plan on enjoying the sunshine by walking his puppies
and it is him who is keeping me sane.

This is an incredibly cheesetastic post.
SORRY!

With Love, Beau xx

La Futura

2010-05-23T15:02:00.000-07:00

My future is the most up in the air

of any I know
- it's very distracting.

Lemme explain.

My dream dream dream was Stanford
with Cali weather and a flexible curriculum - hurrah.

Both my 'rents went to Oxford.

It gets tricky here - daddyoh to me off for a visit
I fell in lurve
primarily with his pride.

With that I let Stanford slip from my mind.

But really it's all I've ever wanted
but then a gap yah seems rather intense?
But then I would be living the DREAM
but then leaving the boy would be hard?

I dream of Cali sunsets, of ski and surf days
and of doing politics
liberally
with a touch of Natives
and some literature for empowerment.

Yes, I'm rather in a daze.

Any wannabe agony aunts with advice? pleeaaasseeee?

With Love, Beau xx

Mad Hatter

2010-05-14T13:10:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago Bub gave me
a sharpie and
a white hat.

Needless to say I went to town:

It started with the tetris name and from there went
well everywhere.

As a boy who wears a flatpeak everyday he can never escape me now!
(note: I am not a weird stalker girlfriend this hat holds a lot of meaning even if the childish cartoons don't give it away immediately)

The memory makes me :) legal graffiti hell yeh!

With Love (and good memories), Beau xx

Spring Fling

2010-05-11T08:51:00.001-07:00

This week I sort of forgot how to smile

then I remembered all these things
that I love about spring
and I realised that even if things are hard at the moment
I will have many many more springs
and that's a miracle in itself.

Starry Nights with Bub are clear and beautiful. They remind me that I'm just a very little thing in this whole world and what I do doesn't matter so much. Phew.
Studying with tea or coffee is actually perfection. I know that sounds bizarre but it feels so satisfying when you've striven for your own destiny.
California/Spring sunshine with long lengthy days, beautiful sunset and generally hit weather all I have to do is look out the window and I'll smile. Everyone loves a bit of sunshine!
Springtime daffodils are prettiness. Colour makes me smile.
Gladiator Sandals are my favourite thing to wear, like on this whole planet. Clearly my toes enjoy a breeze!
Piglets! Bub took me farming over the Easter break (we're gonna have to own like a zoo cos we fell in love with every animal - him more than me). We both adored the piglets more than any other animal and animals are absolutely fascinating. The lambs are pretty cute too though.

What makes you guys smile when you're feeling down?

With Love, Beau xx

Wherever I'm goin' I'm goin' your way

2010-05-04T14:43:00.000-07:00

Sigh.

Bub epically failed today
but I simply can't fathom myself to be mad at him.

I guess I kinda get it.

He's a smart kid
and he loveloveloves his subject
but studying it in the way they force him?

Not cool in his perfectly twisted head.

I've got used to the fact that I'm gonna be the ambitious one
cos I really couldn't be this ambitious
without him there to catch me
when I inevitably get it wrong.

(ewwwwww - shudder)
My gosh I take everything out on him.

With the exception of my history teacher he's the only person who makes me cry and scream at him like a child having a tantrum (during these fits he amusingly calls me 'princess' - not amusing when I am trying to strop)

I can even wear no make up in public if he's there!

So yeh for putting up with me
and the habits I've inherited for my mother
how on Earth could I be mad at him?

With Love, Beau xx

Disclaimer: this entry does not have any factual basis. In fact it's a load of bull. I'm completely pissed off. I'm just not gonna show it.

Au Revoir

2010-05-03T05:44:00.000-07:00

This week

I had to say goodbye to someone who meant a whole lot to me

and although the compromise was absolutely necessary
and we're happier
I still lost a little piece of sunshine.

With love, Beau xx

Hello, I Love You

2010-04-27T12:10:00.000-07:00

Ah I suck at blogging

when coursework is piled high.

(photo from flickr)

I'm sorry I will be enduring the torture for another week longer.

Just a quick note

I was thinking of climbing a mountain
then Bub did climb one
by telling me to keepthatdatefree.

Young one is learning fast.

"I don't know where I'm gonna be in 5 years"
"Wherever you are we'll be together"

I miss him terribly cos things are on the up...
for now.

I have many many posts for all you loves out there
I will give them to you soon!

With Love (always), Beau xx

1000 Words

2010-04-16T03:06:00.000-07:00

I don't have time for a 1000 words

I've barely had time for ANY lately.

It's been:

eat
study
sleep
study
drink water
study
eat
study
BUB
study
eat
study
sleep
study
go to work
study

and as a result I've missed all of this

I miss my life and my girls!

With Love, Beau xx

Hey Oscar, Or Not

2010-04-10T11:49:00.000-07:00

I totally got given the same award

twice!

Hanku B and Goochy (I wish I could give this back to you two!!)

I like getting a sunshine award
cos I try and be a happy person/blogger/writer
and thus bring sunshine into people's lives.

What a lovely circuit :)

Here are 5 blogs that I just can't wait to read each and every day:

Mlle because Milly writes so frankly about style. I love her honesty, her balance and how she writes about fashion on her own terms instead of copied out from her favourite magazines.

Cycle Chic From Copenhagen - as a girl who rides her bike everywhere no matter whether it's sunny or snowy this blog is like my mecca! You can look so good on a bike and these guys and gals are the living proof of that.

LA Cycle Chic may be a bit repetitive but sun + cruise cycles are for the epitome of cool. Since I'm considering moving to LA it is kinda awesome to see people still ride bikes in America!! Add onto that beautiful scenery and we have a sunshine blog.

Spanky Luvs It - so many people already luv this blog. It's a truly happy, real and beautiful place so if you aren't already a follower might I suggest you are? It will make you smile - guaranteed.

The Vintage Valley is a beautiful blog, full of beautiful styling, beautiful photography and created by a beautiful blogger! There is nothing not to enjoy because this is visually sumptuous.

I hope they bring sunshine to your lives too!

With Love, Beau xx

Sunshine Dreaming

2010-04-08T04:07:00.001-07:00

I don't have much time today
I have to study so I can make something of myself.

I love this song.

My parent's divorce (woo personal fact!) when I was 6
has never much affected me
that's not a secret; if you asked say, B, she'd tell you.

But it does make me cautious in lurrvvee.
I seriously adore every person I meet,
cos really what's more special than a person?

But trusting them enough to kinda majorly love them
and bother lasting through fights and hurt
and whatnot
that's a little harder.

So this song is special
because Bub is special
and in my world this song is about Bub.

I hope you guys find something in it too.

With love, Beau xx

April Showers

2010-04-03T07:21:00.000-07:00

I know it's typical

boring
not very interesting

but the world really does smell beautiful after rain.

My big sis turned 21
it's strange how much time keeps marching on.

I'm getting kinda lost - more of that later.

We went off to Norfolk
to the beach house
to celebrate
with 20 of the closest friends.

Night 1 - Faboosh.
Morning 1 - Beau is sick - puts it down to alcohol.
Mid-day 1 - Beau has clearly contracted Winter Vomiting Bug - Boobooboo.
Whilst everyone else went and did coastal things and generally had fun
I lay on the sofa
and generally felt sorry for myself - HA!
(then got up to puke every half hour - glamorous)
so bye bye birthday.

Bub also contracted the virus which probably shows how much time we spend together.
I'm still making sporadic comfort phone calls to him on my new brick:
I really must be the most glamorous person y'all have heard of ;)

Sorry world for epically failing to be in touch. A lot on my plate and all that.

With Love, Beau xx

Story Corner

2010-03-24T12:11:00.001-07:00

I have a story to tell you.

One weekend Bub and Beau went off to London.
They went to a birthday party for his cousin
his cool, successful cousin,
who he adores and gets on with like a house on fire.

I was naturally terrified.
In a pub we stood and chatted with directors and Elle girls
the girls were nowhere near as scary as I thought.

Then we went back to a little old flat
south of the river
sat on a sofa and watched the in-laws get merry.

An Irishman going by the name of Rory
came to talk to us
asked as all the normal questions:

What're you doing with your lives?
Where are you going to university? etc...

But then a question came out of the blue

How'd you guys meet? You gonna stay together? You gotta stay together.

And Rory explained that despite certain first night antics with his girlfriend
(context: Bub doesn't remember when we met)
they've been together 9 years
and are still going strong.

As a result I've kinda got hope.

It feels rather lovely.

Not to mention Rory then had to dash off
to perform the fiddle - it was as awesome as it sounds.

With Love, Beau xx

Bub's Song

2010-03-18T02:03:00.001-07:00

I already gave you guys my song
so here's Bub's.

It's so him.

With Love, Beau xx

Aria

2010-03-13T03:50:00.001-08:00

This morning Bub asked me what my favourite song is.
I thought long and hard.
Then I though 'what the HELL, why am I even THINKING about this?!'
cos my favourite song is set in stone,
you might even say I'm bewitched by it

I'll post Bub's favourite song later.

With Love, Beau xx

(btw I *always* love the Ella version of this song- and any song - but try Frank's too!)

when we were young

2010-03-09T12:44:00.002-08:00

The things I miss about being a kid:

Tag/Stuck in the Mud/Hide and Go Seek
Hanging upside down or sideways or anywhichways from everything
Giving my mom snowdrop bouquets - and her pretending they were the best things ever
Velcro shoes - why do we still have shoe laces?!
Birthday Parties (I'm the kid in white at the front and those are reindeer antlers)

My little cousin is having a pink princess themed tea time birthday party...
it inspired me to remember and enjoy

What do you guys miss about childhood?

With Love, Beau xx

(all pictures from flickr, with the exception of bottom right which belongs to Mrs Andrews)

L'Academie

2010-03-08T13:31:00.001-08:00

I have to say
I'm really rather pleased about some
nearly all in fact of the Oscar victories.

Avatar is beautiful, but not especially riveting.

The Hurt Locker is like no other (and that's rather special).

Precious is just that.

The only thing I'm rather disheartened by is the comic genius that is Up In The Air:
Even the trailer is funny and you've seen nothing yet!

Highly recommended. Even Bub smirked.

With Love, Beau xx

Mon Reve

2010-03-04T14:47:00.000-08:00

If you don't remember this is B

Right now I don't miss anyone more
cos she's the bestie
and she's aweshum
and she owns an aweshum mustard yellow scarf ;)

One day I'd like to go on a road trip across the states with this girl
and Diego
and I hope that one day is very soon.

With Love, Beau xx

Pretty Thing

2010-03-02T14:29:00.000-08:00

"Oh you pretty thing, you beautifully flitty thing, you're such a nitty gritty thing, you are my perfect thing"

These are some of my favourite pretty things:

1) Green Orchids - supposedly not ready, not right, but to me the perfect flower
2) Cardigans on your wedding day - this is what Bub will wear to his wedding someday, and it is Bub that I love - my perfect wedding, casual and beautiful and easy
3) Old Chevy Truck - aged, decrepit, striking (not pretty), reliable, epic
4) Billy Buttons - a little sun, can you imagine anything more joyous?
5) The Horizon at the end of this road - I can see it, I can almost touch it and I'm overjoyed in my belief that Bub will be in it - it is still unknown and that is just dreamy

More Pretty Things lists may well pop up soon.

With Love, Beau xx

Images 2 and 3: greenweddingshoes.blogspot.com (and associated photographers)
Images 1, 4 and 5: Flickr

Psonar

2010-02-28T10:26:00.000-08:00

Have you ever watched your iPod/Computer/Phone

crash before your eyes
and realised that some of your favourite music in the whole world
is gone forever (or at least till you can afford to buy it again)?

I have.
It sucks.

And have you ever been out at a party
where someone's playing music off their laptop
and it's rubbish,ruining the party atmosphere,
you just wish you had your music collection to show them how it's really done?

I have.
I end up leaving.
It sucks.

Have you ever been on holiday
you forgot to charge your iPod and now you have no music
'till you get home,
apart from slightly bizarre radio stations?

I have.
You guessed it, it sucks.

Which is why I love Psonar

It's a free service
where your music is safe, accessible and yours to do what you like with (legally).

You can play it anytime with the psonar player
move it between your devices with the songshifter
and discover new music then buy it with amazon's much cheaper rates!

+ I'm the CIO (Chief Inspiration Officer)
cos it was my heartbreak over my iPod crash that prompted the service!

Try it, I think you'll like it:
http://www.psonar.com

With Love, Beau xx

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you”

2010-02-27T11:04:00.000-08:00

Trust is a weird weird thing.

I made a bad mistake a long time ago
and although Bub's certainly learning to trust me again
I understand why everyday is hard.

It hurts me that I hurt him.
That's a good sign right?

Another way I get the thoughts out of my head
is by writing songs (as well as letters).
So here's some of Bub's song - tell me what you think.

My boy, you're a little bit too perfect
and why can't you see that, might be unsettling for me?
This girl, is not the type you believe in
Is not one of the people to who you usually agree

My friend you're like catching lightning
so it's a bit disturbing to let you touch this
I think more than it is clearly healthy
about that little thing, that infinitely forever kiss

And maybe I don't quite understand
your precious life and your sweet little land
but think of me as the cards in your hand
I'm the joker you're not even supposed to have

(copyright ..Peter flickr)

With Love, Beau, xx

New Beginnings

2010-02-25T15:36:00.000-08:00

I love Glee.

Lot's of people love Glee and lot's of people have been inspired by Glee.
Whether it's starting up your own club, watching more musicals
or just downloading the songs
we're hooked.

So it gets me down when people criticise others for doing these things.
After all, we all have to be inspired by something.

Me personally I wanna be a political journalist
completely because of the inspirational work of Matt Frei
particularly his book Only In America.

Then in my dream world I wanna be a singer of my songs
(some of which I may well post soon)
and an actress in very very small movies
that's cos I love to sing and act.
Jackson Rathbone inspires me in that respect - he makes awesome project selections and stays true to his vision and what he wants to do.

I think we all have someone or something to thank for the direction our lives take.
Embrace being inspired, and others inspiration.

What or who do you guys think shaped your goals and inspired you?

With Love, Beau xx

Dearest

2010-02-25T10:25:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like I need to tell people why I care,

why I miss them or wish I saw them more
or maybe even why I have a problem.

Cos sometimes those things just don't get said right?

Sometimes I feel like love has become quite the blase thing
and sometimes that's something you need to undo
to remind yourself what's real
or more importantly what's not.

Bub and I aren't into grand gestures
(you may have noticed)
but for our anniversary I gave him a letter
his 6 month letter.
He needed to hear what I had to say
be reminded how I feel in all honesty
(that's his letter up top)

I think I'm gonna deliver a little letter through the mail
to all my favourite people.

My lesson is learned - remind those you love that you love them. Nothing works like words.

With Love, Beau xx

It's A Love Story

2010-02-23T14:23:00.000-08:00

6 months

Reading - 4 days where we were glued. We got home. We were still glued. We're still glued to this day.
Honeymoon - I became just a teeny bit obsessed. Feeling our way knowing we'd been here before. Surviving to month three.
France - together. on holiday. a week where we were glued. we survived. we were exceptionally happy. it is this memory that has been our life support when the going gets a little bit tough.
Friction - attempting to plan a future. physical separation became inevitable. emotional togetherness turned out to be inevitable. I didn't pressure him. In reality I was just trying not to.
Breaking Point - are we gonna make it? do we even get each other? an undercurrent of this has to work, we have to be together. And so we did.
Le Reve - we get each other. where it was going wrong. why it was dumb to fight. a week apart we'd never missed anything more. we're forever, or a very long time, or so we will fight for at the least.

We've stopped fighting. We've got past our growing pains. And I'm so sure about this you wouldn't believe.

(he likes this - pale much?!)

I love love.
Hope everyone had a lovely valentine's and a lovely week.
Beau was on vacation = 0 posts.

With Love, Beau xx

Visage

2010-02-14T11:41:00.000-08:00

Oh why oh why

can I not make a normal face in a picture?
Poor Bubs!

Do you guys choose normal faces or weird ones?

With Love, Beau xx

Favourites

2010-02-07T15:17:00.000-08:00

Bub shaved, just like he promised

so his facial hair looks more like this:

Than this:

Cos although I think my boy can work facial hair
the length it sometimes gets is a little much.

All this got me thinking
because lately beards have been cropping up all over Hollywood
and guys like Robert Pattinson are not working the look
so girls and guys
what do you think of facial hair?

I love my beardy bub

With Love, Beau xx

Contradictions

2010-02-06T11:04:00.001-08:00

This song is such a guilty pleasure.

And because I identify with songs lyrically,
more than other factors anyways,
the words remind me of how I have felt,
even if at the moment the whole love thing is up in the air right now.

I love him more than anything but he hurts me (alot)

With Love, Beau xx

'you said we wouldn't be apart'

2010-01-31T11:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday,
Bub and I nearly broke up.

I say that meaning that we fought bad
but really we never came close to breaking up.

He does this adorable thing
where he says he's gonna leave,
and looks like he's gonna,
and starts to walk away.

But then he holds me,
or he squeezes my hand,
because he really cannot bear
to see me that upset,
clutching myself like I'm falling apart.

So we fight it out,
fall into a strange confused silence,
and I don't know what to do.
I don't even beg.

I don't think i'm crazy when I say we're perfect.
Because even though we fight,
the reason our fights are so passionate, needy, hungry
is that we're hunting for a solution.
They come from love not hate.

He never does walk away.

With Love, Beau xx

Friday Night Lights

2010-01-27T07:47:00.000-08:00

Friday Night last

I was supposed to go out with B (http://starslikelittlefish.blogspot.com)
I dithered for hours, and kept texting the poor thing
should I, shouldn't I, get work done, or let loose.
Bub didn't really want me to so that kinda made it harder.

But then at 9pm I thought heck it why not?!
I did my hair make-up and stuck some heels on
grabbed my bike
set off
and it was pouring with rain.

Needless to say I turned right back round and headed home.
Rainy nights out aren't so fun

My outfit was still cute though so here I am posting it:

This is the best day-to-night cycling outfit. Just add flats for day! Plus Ashley Greene has those shoes!

Barney looked so cute with his new frog handbag sized lights!

With Love, Beau xx

Crazy Little Thing

2010-01-26T13:00:00.000-08:00

I'm only happy when the people around me are happy

it's like mood-based SAD,
therefore at the moment I am very happy.
Why? Because all my very best friends are all loved up.

B found her opposite B.
They're slowly admitting what their relationship actually is,
how they feel,
and how much they really rather like each other.
They truly have that sickeningly sweet first love thing going on.

(I didn't realise how awesome this picture was till B requested I put it in. They match in their oddball-ness - it's just all cute)

Then there's Campbell and Gooch,
both people I adore,
both people who are perfect for each other,
and they make each other very very happy smiley.
They're learning to cushion the bumps of lil arguments
that I'd forgotten were ever an issue.

(stolen from B - don't they have eerily similar expressions?!)

Finally, CB found the only guy
that has yet made her consider marriage and babies.
Trust me that's a revelation,
and Mr Greg has turned into her obsession.

But Bub and I are still the original and the best
at least to my thinking ;)

Don't you guys just love a bit of love?

With Love (too many uses of that word I know!), Beau xx

Velo Couture

2010-01-22T09:14:00.000-08:00

I cycle everywhere.

It's pretty standard travel in Cambridge
but I know there are stigmas attached.

Like Lycra, sports helmets, hurting backs,
dirty clothes, flat shoes
and most importantly danger.

But cycle chic proves that wrong.

You can wear heels and cute clothes to cycle
Catherine Baba proved that at Paris Fashion Week:

Your bike can be a practical but oh-so-cute fashion accessory
as proven by the February edition of Harper's Bazaar:

you can carry your stuff and protect yourself
in beautiful, fun and stylish ways
as proven by the London cycle chic shop:

(Deluxe Shopper Pannier £40.00)

I bought my newest bike
a beautiful Dutch import christened Barney on Monday
so I have a feeling
that there may well be a lot more cycling blogs
to come in the future.

Till then go green, get fit and most importantly be stylish:
get on your bikes girls!

With Love, Beau xx

Peace Out

2010-01-20T14:24:00.000-08:00

Today this man and I parted ways:

Ok so I'm not that important at all.
But exams (re-takes) are over
and it feels like the future is getting
closer.

The adrenaline rush
that comes from knowing
that the essays you just wrote
could make you or break you
is quite simply astounding.

And I adore that fact
that that cold room
is where dreams might be made.

Oh the irony.

So today doesn't just mark the first day
in, oh, forever that I am free to go out
but also marks
the beginning of my freedom
to make my mark on this world.

London first maybe?
(no worries wherever I go Bub will be with me)

Here's to happy futures :)

With Love, Beau xx

La Belle Paris

2010-01-17T13:16:00.000-08:00

You may think I'm pre - empting myself

but bear with me
cos bub and I are very much in love...

since he has the half-french thing going on
this time for my birthday (August 24th)
Bub is gonna take me to Paris
not a-la-plage (which was perfection)
but PARIS

I cannot wait.

oh and he promised to take me here:

I've never been at night before.

Hopefully he'll buy me some of these!!

Yeh, I'm a lucky one.

With Love, Beau xx

Big Girls

2010-01-14T09:44:00.000-08:00

My friend Gee

(http://prettydivine.blogspot.com)
kinda raised an issue today:
she made a quiz
all about body size.

It reminded me that in comparison
to every friend of mine
with the exception of one
I am fat.

That kinda sucks. I do worry about it.
Because I know at least one of them who looks at me like I am.
And I suspect is secretly
very smug about it.

And all the girls I wanna look like
with the exception of Ashley Greene
have no curves
whatsoever
and that's who I'll never be.

But then again
at times like this
I think I am ok. maybe even beautiful
at least happy about how I look.

is all this terribly wrong of me?

With Love, Beau xx

Glee

2010-01-11T14:35:00.001-08:00

I have been waiting for this show to come over from the US
for forever.
I have a feeling I am not alone
It began on E4 tonight
and it was beautiful, amazing, fun
but most of all it reminded me of how exciting and entertaining shows associated with music can be.

Unless you count High School Musical or Hannah Montana
it hasn't been done for a while.

With Love, Beau xx
(I love the reminder of how British kids dress better than the Americans)

Little Boots

2010-01-11T13:55:00.001-08:00

I have a confession to make

I have a bit of a thing
about shoes.

I'm not (that) prejudiced
but I certainly have favourites
such as these
bought for my momma's wedding:

they have bows!
so they're like dorothy shoes
but patent black
so classic
and can be worn with jeans
or a bodycon skirt
or anything really.
(plus Ashley Greene has them - style icon!)

But these would define me:

I love Converse
cos at heart I can be a bit of a tomboy..
well not really at heart
more on the surface
but still they're different
and to me different is good.

Before I met Bub I thought I really loved shoes
but seriously
his shoe collection blew mine
plus all my female friend's
out of the water
in sheer size.

Still they are kinda awesome!

With Love, Beau xx

"I hope I'm old before I die"

2010-01-10T10:09:00.000-08:00

What is it with us celebrating

not dying?
I suddenly realised
that that is exactly
what a birthday is.

Well this guy has not died for a long time

my grandad is an
interesting character
but getting the family all together today
with my cuz on Skype from Switzerland
was so much more relaxed
than Christmas/weddings/funeral

and dare I say it...
enjoyable.

I wanna be this happy at 80.
That's all I ask for.

With Love, Beau xx

Honesty Box

2010-01-06T13:56:00.000-08:00

Since I've now decided to be

truly blunt about the way I feel on this baby blog of mine
I better admit
that although The Cast and Bub
make my life
close to perfection....

there's a thorn in the side. That would be my college.

There are amazing beautiful lovely people.
CB. Milly. Lizzie. JaG. AliP. (among others)

But there are also those who stare and maintain these fractious lines of hate and unhappiness, of jealousy and bitterness, of popularity and regimes.
And to be honest from time to time it can get a girl down.

Why does anyone even wonder why I wanna go be a liberal-arts-american-college girl?

and it was those girls who made me feel really kind of ugly the other night. No girl wants to feel anything other than beautiful. Luckily my sister managed to restore my faith in this look:

isn't that what sisters are for?

With Love, Beau xx

Fresh tunes are like fresh OJ .

2010-01-06T13:42:00.001-08:00

I realised
that in the last year
I got into a kind of top 40 rut
and I lost all sense
of the music that makes me happy, alive and young.

and then I listened to The Runaways.
not exactly new.
or fresh.
or undiscovered.

but absolutely perfect (for me) right now.

(the bio epic about them comes out this year starring K-Stew)

With Love, Beau xx

NYE

2009-12-31T08:55:00.001-08:00

It's another new year. Another new start.

This year is a biggie though. I vow:

My music is now my number one priority - I'm gonna start really trying to make it. and play my guitar regularly. and write more songs. and I'm gonna post them on here ;)
America is the key. I will improve my SAT.
I will learn to understand my boy's depression, and how to deal with it, and how to keep him smiling.

Because it's only doing those three things
that could make this new year
of 2010
be better than 2009
(the year that I fell in love no less)

Keep smiling kids, it's another year of life

(the final page of my '09 notebook)

With Love, Beau xx

Christmas

2009-12-31T08:54:00.002-08:00

4 gifts to do with sleeping

(hint much)
a new pair of my favourite sneakers
ashamedly twilight themed gifts - legacy of twinny and big sis
and lots and lots of books.

I realised it was the last Christmas where I wouldn't be a visitor
and that felt good.

With Love, Beau xx

p.s. we learnt that Albie and Benny struggle to keep secrets...
on them it's just cute.

White Wedding

2009-12-31T08:54:00.001-08:00

On the 19th December of the year 2009

my fabulous momma
got married
to graz. or pops. or hammy bear. (he's adored by kids and step-kids alike as you can see)

It really was
the happiest place on Earth.
Plus it was a white wedding = perfection.

my sister suprised my mom with flowers

the 'Brigby' family

With Love, Beau xx

I'm blue da ba dee da ba die

2009-12-30T06:53:00.000-08:00

Our Christmas Tree was blue this year

(sort of)
it was all kinds of awesome.

Here are the little guys modelling it.

With Love, Beau xx

Gift List

2009-12-27T13:52:00.001-08:00

We did Christmas version one.

Bub gave me his gifts.
They included:
Reese's Pieces
Hershey's Kisses
PJ's
Gossip Girl S1

Oh and this:

and according to him
these gifts
"say it all"

He's a keeper.

With Love, Beau xx

The Cast: Pip

2009-12-23T14:59:00.000-08:00

Meet Philippa Grace Artus

Pip to me.

She's absolutely beautiful
a party animal
and probably the most entertaining
but also most reliable
best friend
a girl could ask for.

With Love, Beau xx

'As long as you love me so, let it snow'

2009-12-20T10:21:00.000-08:00

No one expected it
because it never happens to us
but we got a whole load of snow
a beautiful blizzard
and I got to enjoy it
with my boy.

Perfection.

With Love, Beau xx

'L.O.V.E's just another word I'll never learn to pronounce"

2009-12-17T14:22:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday
B
Happy (belated) Birthday.

I love you always and forever.

starslikelittlefish.blogspot.com

With Love, Beau xx

Bake Fest

2009-12-17T14:06:00.000-08:00

So College has been a little...

tense
of late.

(the problem with friends dating is that if they break up it sucks)

The beautiful Miss Paris, however,
knew just how to make things right.
She brought gingerbread with her
and we painted it.

Absolutely everyone smiled.

With Love, Beau xx

"You're so very special, I wish I was special"

2009-12-15T12:26:00.000-08:00

When you put the phone down
and your cheeks hurt from the smiles and laughs
(and you bathe in your victory)....

I think that's when you're In Love.

With love, Beau xx

Clear Out

2009-11-30T05:35:00.001-08:00

So I figured it was time
to stop drawing out the inevitable
that I would have to stop posting about
France
and make many many more memories.

These are the pretty little pictures
taken at pretty little moments
throughout our trip
to bubs homeland.

Pas-de-Calais we love you.

With Love, Beau xx

This year is important

2009-11-30T05:34:00.003-08:00

This year

is the 18 year
and I'm so very very grateful
that I have the kind of friends
who just go to dinner
share memories
and laugh when they wanna celebrate.

On your birthday you shouldn't have to try too hard.

"Love is watching someone die"

2009-11-30T05:34:00.001-08:00

That is my most favourite lyric from the Death Cab album plans

and that's what I've been up to lately.
making plans like these:

for scouts
and Psonar
and for my future.

Scary Stuff.

With Love, Beau xx