Ouch

Sometimes I think that you don't care at all

that someone out there is putting temptation in my face
just to rip my heart from my chest
but not yours.

Then when you smile at me, compliment me, make me feel special
my heart soars and once again I realise -
I am utterly addicted to you.

So what to do?

I know what I want.
I want you to fall in love with me
like I'm falling for you

That's all I want
a guarantee of forever from you.

It hurts that I can't yet get that from you.

With Love, Beau xx

photo credit: flickr

Torn

I feel like I'm breaking in half

I just don't know which half will be biggest yet.

Either way this will hurt.

With Love, Beau xx

(falling dangerously in love)

photo credit: flickr

Wherever I'm goin' I'm goin' your way

Sigh.

Bub epically failed today
but I simply can't fathom myself to be mad at him.

I guess I kinda get it.

He's a smart kid
and he loveloveloves his subject
but studying it in the way they force him?

Not cool in his perfectly twisted head.

I've got used to the fact that I'm gonna be the ambitious one
cos I really couldn't be this ambitious
without him there to catch me
when I inevitably get it wrong.

(ewwwwww - shudder)
My gosh I take everything out on him.

With the exception of my history teacher he's the only person who makes me cry and scream at him like a child having a tantrum (during these fits he amusingly calls me 'princess' - not amusing when I am trying to strop)

I can even wear no make up in public if he's there!

So yeh for putting up with me
and the habits I've inherited for my mother
how on Earth could I be mad at him?

With Love, Beau xx

Disclaimer: this entry does not have any factual basis. In fact it's a load of bull. I'm completely pissed off. I'm just not gonna show it.

Au Revoir

This week

I had to say goodbye to someone who meant a whole lot to me

and although the compromise was absolutely necessary
and we're happier
I still lost a little piece of sunshine.

With love, Beau xx

Sunshine Dreaming

I don't have much time today
I have to study so I can make something of myself.

I love this song.

My parent's divorce (woo personal fact!) when I was 6
has never much affected me
that's not a secret; if you asked say, B, she'd tell you.

But it does make me cautious in lurrvvee.
I seriously adore every person I meet,
cos really what's more special than a person?

But trusting them enough to kinda majorly love them
and bother lasting through fights and hurt
and whatnot
that's a little harder.

So this song is special
because Bub is special
and in my world this song is about Bub.

I hope you guys find something in it too.

With love, Beau xx

Story Corner

I have a story to tell you.

One weekend Bub and Beau went off to London.
They went to a birthday party for his cousin
his cool, successful cousin,
who he adores and gets on with like a house on fire.

I was naturally terrified.
In a pub we stood and chatted with directors and Elle girls
the girls were nowhere near as scary as I thought.

Then we went back to a little old flat
south of the river
sat on a sofa and watched the in-laws get merry.

An Irishman going by the name of Rory
came to talk to us
asked as all the normal questions:

What're you doing with your lives?
Where are you going to university? etc...

But then a question came out of the blue

How'd you guys meet? You gonna stay together? You gotta stay together.

And Rory explained that despite certain first night antics with his girlfriend
(context: Bub doesn't remember when we met)
they've been together 9 years
and are still going strong.

As a result I've kinda got hope.

It feels rather lovely.

Not to mention Rory then had to dash off
to perform the fiddle - it was as awesome as it sounds.


With Love, Beau xx

New Beginnings

I love Glee.

Lot's of people love Glee and lot's of people have been inspired by Glee.
Whether it's starting up your own club, watching more musicals
or just downloading the songs
we're hooked.

So it gets me down when people criticise others for doing these things.
After all, we all have to be inspired by something.

Me personally I wanna be a political journalist
completely because of the inspirational work of Matt Frei
particularly his book Only In America.

Then in my dream world I wanna be a singer of my songs
(some of which I may well post soon)
and an actress in very very small movies
that's cos I love to sing and act.
Jackson Rathbone inspires me in that respect - he makes awesome project selections and stays true to his vision and what he wants to do.

I think we all have someone or something to thank for the direction our lives take.
Embrace being inspired, and others inspiration.

What or who do you guys think shaped your goals and inspired you?

With Love, Beau xx

Dearest

Sometimes I feel like I need to tell people why I care,

why I miss them or wish I saw them more
or maybe even why I have a problem.

Cos sometimes those things just don't get said right?

Sometimes I feel like love has become quite the blase thing
and sometimes that's something you need to undo
to remind yourself what's real
or more importantly what's not.

Bub and I aren't into grand gestures
(you may have noticed)
but for our anniversary I gave him a letter
his 6 month letter.
He needed to hear what I had to say
be reminded how I feel in all honesty
(that's his letter up top)

I think I'm gonna deliver a little letter through the mail
to all my favourite people.


My lesson is learned - remind those you love that you love them. Nothing works like words.

With Love, Beau xx

It's A Love Story

6 months

1. Reading - 4 days where we were glued. We got home. We were still glued. We're still glued to this day.
2. Honeymoon - I became just a teeny bit obsessed. Feeling our way knowing we'd been here before. Surviving to month three.
3. France - together. on holiday. a week where we were glued. we survived. we were exceptionally happy. it is this memory that has been our life support when the going gets a little bit tough.
4. Friction - attempting to plan a future. physical separation became inevitable. emotional togetherness turned out to be inevitable. I didn't pressure him. In reality I was just trying not to.
5. Breaking Point - are we gonna make it? do we even get each other? an undercurrent of this has to work, we have to be together. And so we did.
   
6. Le Reve - we get each other. where it was going wrong. why it was dumb to fight. a week apart we'd never missed anything more. we're forever, or a very long time, or so we will fight for at the least.

We've stopped fighting. We've got past our growing pains. And I'm so sure about this you wouldn't believe.

(he likes this - pale much?!)

I love love.
Hope everyone had a lovely valentine's and a lovely week.
Beau was on vacation = 0 posts.

With Love, Beau xx

'you said we wouldn't be apart'

Yesterday,
Bub and I nearly broke up.

I say that meaning that we fought bad
but really we never came close to breaking up.

He does this adorable thing
where he says he's gonna leave,
and looks like he's gonna,
and starts to walk away.

But then he holds me,
or he squeezes my hand,
because he really cannot bear
to see me that upset,
clutching myself like I'm falling apart.

So we fight it out,
fall into a strange confused silence,
and I don't know what to do.
I don't even beg.

I don't think i'm crazy when I say we're perfect.
Because even though we fight,
the reason our fights are so passionate, needy, hungry
is that we're hunting for a solution.
They come from love not hate.

He never does walk away.

With Love, Beau xx

Big Girls

My friend Gee

(http://prettydivine.blogspot.com)
kinda raised an issue today:
she made a quiz
all about body size.

It reminded me that in comparison
to every friend of mine
with the exception of one
I am fat.

That kinda sucks. I do worry about it.
Because I know at least one of them who looks at me like I am.
And I suspect is secretly
very smug about it.

And all the girls I wanna look like
with the exception of Ashley Greene
have no curves
whatsoever
and that's who I'll never be.

But then again
at times like this
I think I am ok. maybe even beautiful
at least happy about how I look.

is all this terribly wrong of me?

With Love, Beau xx

Honesty Box

Since I've now decided to be

truly blunt about the way I feel on this baby blog of mine
I better admit
that although The Cast and Bub
make my life
close to perfection....

there's a thorn in the side. That would be my college.

There are amazing beautiful lovely people.
CB. Milly. Lizzie. JaG. AliP. (among others)

But there are also those who stare and maintain these fractious lines of hate and unhappiness, of jealousy and bitterness, of popularity and regimes.
And to be honest from time to time it can get a girl down.

Why does anyone even wonder why I wanna go be a liberal-arts-american-college girl?

and it was those girls who made me feel really kind of ugly the other night. No girl wants to feel anything other than beautiful. Luckily my sister managed to restore my faith in this look:

isn't that what sisters are for?

With Love, Beau xx

NYE

It's another new year. Another new start.

This year is a biggie though. I vow:

1. My music is now my number one priority - I'm gonna start really trying to make it. and play my guitar regularly. and write more songs. and I'm gonna post them on here ;)
   
2. America is the key. I will improve my SAT.
3. I will learn to understand my boy's depression, and how to deal with it, and how to keep him smiling.

Because it's only doing those three things
that could make this new year
of 2010
be better than 2009
(the year that I fell in love no less)

Keep smiling kids, it's another year of life

(the final page of my '09 notebook)

With Love, Beau xx