Contrition

It took months for

the stress and

negativity to 

nibble away 

and make me forget 

all the reasons that I

love you.

It took two weeks

and one night

to remember 

it all.

Now

when they ask me

which deal I'd rather cut

what work I'd rather do

none of it matters

none of the stupidity that

got in between us.

All that matters is you. 

I would always choose you. 

On Wednesday

The last time I worked early, like this, on a Wednesday, you were in the next room...

It's these memories

the small ones

shadows of our former life

that creep up on me

out of the dark.

My memory

(that which frustrated you so)

means that these little things

are catalogued 

and categorised.

They are ready

to creep up on me

at any moment to

remind me that this is now

our history. 

Tonight I put up your photo

For the first time 

In a long time

Because

Well so much because

Because when I look at it

I feel eighteen again 

Or at least 

How I did about you

The repeat show

I've had for weeks now

Because when we speak 

I get butterflies of excitement 

Instead of apprehension 

And it feels 

Innocent

or implausible at the least

Because 

Because I'm not a 

Wide eyed, confused

Impossibly naive,

Cruel teenage girl

Anymore 

Seeking a definition for myself

Because I'm now a 

Woman with experiences

And testimony 

About life and the things

That happen in it 

Yet don't know myself, at all

Because 

Because I think you 

Know that woman 

Better than me 

Having learned to see

Through the haze 

That has been my life

Because you have 

Carved some decency 

Into that human being

Against all odds 

By challenging and yet

Supporting her, me

Because I wanted to

Because despite midnight warnings I want you

Because despite the challenges and change I want you to want me too

Because it's you

With love, Beau xx