Diary Date

This is the regular reminder

of which you are a fantastic provider

that I need to look for more.

Because you get me this close

to some crazy notion

that there is a one and only

and that you might be it

and then again

You provide me with the knowledge

reminder

reassurance

that we are not a thing

that's right for me.

Thank god for that at least.

With love, Beau xx

The Wilderness

"Honey, we need to talk"

How many times in this year

have I tried to say that phrase?

How many time in this year

have I failed?

And it's for all the wrong reasons

like that you need to be saved.

And I'm sorry because honesty escapes me

every single day.

If this was right

why would my heart decide

to miss him every single day?

With love (always), Beau xx

Finally

I admitted that

what I've been feeling

is more than sad

and that I'm scared

and sick

and you held me

and made it as better as you could.

For that

I will love you 

with everything I possibly can.

I am

so happy

right now

at last.

With love, Beau xx

I think I might be running out of tears to give, to cry.

Perfect

You screw up my life

and now you screw up my head.

Please just leave me

to die

or survive.

Please just leave me be.

With love, Beau xx

And if

If I feel this alone

after losing you for a night

then what does that suggest

that our future holds?

My best friend came to stay

came to play

and it was so much fun.

Now you're gone

and I know it's not 

a permanent fixture

or at least it might be.

Oh those words

send tingles of fear down my spine

because it just wouldn't be right

it just wouldn't be right

for us to let this go, this light,

this night

for the sake of someone so determined

to slight us.

It is clear that

I was given an easy choice

if I had lost my voice

and had failed to tell you that I was done

I could still have won

he could have won.

But I made a choice

one annee ago

and that will last for ans, forever.

You are it.

Believe me, choose life, right, light, happiness, us. 

With love, Beau xx

An empty fear

I am afraid.

The stakes are now high 

and I am unprepared

to say goodbye.

I'm also unsure 

of myself

and you

and my value.

So this fear grows

the happiness of summer

seems long ago

I am lost

for I cannot feel

appreciate

that you will still love me.

I love you,

more than I ever anticipated.

I am afraid.

With love, Beau xx

Right now
I try to avoid thoughts of
the way you kiss my hair, my neck.

I focus on words spent
the truths expressed
the cold, unemotive prose that
neatly
wraps up the matter at hand.

We were never planned.

So I must stop seeking signs
and instead use my mind

not the plague of a child's
view of love.

With love, Beau xx

Location:Torment

"If happy ever after did exist, I would still be holding you like this"

- this happiness, satisfaction, calm. This can stay. This is love.

Cough Syrup

The worst feeling
I have felt
is the moment when
the person you love most
won't or
can't
tell you why they're hurting.

I have felt it before
and I was too weak
to deal with it.

So now with you the symptoms show
and I'm scared
because you seemed different

and yet you trust me with nothing
your feelings
let alone everything else.

With love, Beau xx

Hello/Good Night

I'm looking forward to the moment

he climbs into bed next to me

at a little bit past midnight.

Being on opposite sleeping/working schedules 

is not very much fun.

but I will relish in the 7ish hours I get by his side.

With love, Beau x x 

One night

cannot change everything

if you don't let it.

And can change everything

if you do.

Lesson learnt 

not everything needs to be taken

so damn seriously. 

With love, Beau x x

Repeat

Tonight you let me leave

choked with tears. 

There is a moment

when you're voice has little love in it

and we slip into endless silence

because of me being low and negative,

when my whole body shakes

with fear

and emotion

and the need to cry.

It's horrible, that moment.

I should stop making them.

With love, Beau x x

Verdad

I am not worthy

of the love that comes to me

from the most worthy and good person I know.

I feel guilty,

in this situation I am a fraud.

I am not good enough

and that makes me sad.

With love, Beau xx

Lesson learnt

The best kind of love

isn't that which flares and burns in the night sky

with flashes so strong it uplifts you

but burns you too.

No the best kind

or so I've learnt in these last few months
is that which is silent and subtle
glowing in the background of every moment.

I've had the first kind and it hurt.

The second kind doesn't
because while it's not perfect
it comes from tenderness and care and adoration and appreciation
not from the quick desires of the human form.

This kind of love is precious
and that is why I'm holding on to it.

With love, Beau x x

The problem

is that I feel secure, content, loved, special

but also gone

because I am

and I miss him.

That isn't to say this is impossible

I can't do it

or I'm going to give up in any way.

It's just to say that I do.

With love, Beau x x 

I hope the way I feel lasts forever.

Possibility

There's a chance

maybe

that this is all in my head.

That when I see a problem

he sees, well, nothing.

Paranoid android much?

And the kicker is

I'm then stressed 

about this imaginary hatred

he is feeling for me

and taking it out on him

usually in my head

as he sleeps next to me.

And now I've realised

that that's just silly.

I love him, and that's why I'm still here.

He loves me, and that's why he's still here.

It really is

as simple as that.

With love, Beau xx 

The precipice

I can see it

I can see the end

I can see the edge

I'm falling over it

And you're not stopping me.

For a moment it feels

as though

(as I'm wrapped in caring arms)

that you don't want to see my end.

But that stops

because I'm still scared

that you'll be gone

come morning sun.

I don't know when I'll feel ok again.

With love, Beau xx

He is the place

that I run away to

and yearn for

and daydream about.

I'm strong

I am

but I need to be weak

when I am there.

Because I'm only being honest

if I show my weakness too. 

But honesty, weakness, vulnerability

that's a terrifying thing...

and now I've really taken the risk.

With love, Beau xx

Call

Tonight

you didn't make me feel better.

Tonight

you made me worry more.

Tonight

you made me feel guilty

for having feelings at all.

With love, Beau xx

This love

could weather a thousand storms,

it does,

that's us.

With love, Beau xx

I know

that I don't deserve your sympathy.

But when I'm telling you

that I'm not okay

and that I can't escape 

would you listen, and tell me 

that I'm going to be alright?

Because when you abandon me

when you say goodnight

I'm alone on this Earth. I'm alone.

With love, Beau xx

FYI

I've been waiting for you

and will be

all my life.

(source)

Waiting room

So now, my love

I wait for you to decide

if you were waiting for me

or I was just part of the ride.

I can't blame you

I hate me

I would hate me.

I love us. For the record. 

Waiting is a stressful thing

a stress which

with the irony of a scot

I managed to take out on you

and so really seal my lot.

I regret that. So. 

In the end, all it took was for the truth to be known

for me to realise

that my mistake was in taking you 

for simply home.

For you're much more,

you're potential

inspiration

the heart that keeps me alive.

I've been sleeping 

in this dive and breathing

has been...hard.

I miss you.

So now, my love,

I am waiting.

With Love, Beau xx

Just like that

you're back from the dead,

making me miss you again.

With love, Beau xx

Preventative Measures

I should not keep restricting

the things that slip out

of my mouth

around you.

The thing is 

I never tell you quite how bad

I really feel

like tonight how I've cried, through the night.

When you hurt me, albeit inadvertently

I hide it away in a locker inside my heart

(admittedly easier to do when we're apart).

I am afraid, you see

of you leaving me

to an irrational degree.

And so in that locker

everything gets stacked together

until eventually I express it

ineloquently

horribly

hurtfully.

The thing is I've done this before

and destroyed myself in the process

and you don't really know how bad my head

has been.

And that fear comes from forces far beyond insecurity

and those forces should no longer define me.

So why do they? And why can't I simply believe

that you actually love me?

With love, Beau xx

2am

& when he sends me words

to say I miss you

just because

I love him, that is all. 

The awkward moment

when we're on the phone

and it feels like

I'm the last person you want to talk to...

and my problems have no justification in your mind

at all.

With Love, Beau x x

Backtrack

Tracing back through the days

trying to figure out exactly where

I lost myself

I've given myself quite the scare.

Because as I review the memories

of the last few centuries

(or so they have seemed)

I realise that yes, I am not me

but there is a possibility

that this is real.

The complexities

are really just a method of discovery.

And all this pain I have caused

in myself

and in others

might be who I am after all.

If that's the case

I really need to withdraw

and work this thing out

before I fall all over again.

Calling myself out 

(photo credit: flickr)

With love, Beau xx

Mea Culpa

We have played a game 

of reversing roles where

I have crashed into you

and hurt you.

(although I don't believe beyond repair)

I was so busy, absorbed, occupied

chasing whilst staring over my shoulder

at the you regarding me

waiting for your attack

that I didn't realise I

was putting knives in your back.

Here we are

you've taken a stand

and I miss your hand

in mine. 

And whilst they all clamour for my attention

I can feel the tension

it's in my heart

because this is the crossroad

where possibility

becomes reality

or history.

"I don't care if it's five minutes or a whole night

I just want to see you"

With love, Beau xx

I miss him

that's everything.

With love, Beau xx