Monday, 28 October 2013

Life is good

and when life is good
most stuff goes your way.

It's not like everything's perfect
yet I can handle it
I'm not drowning
I'm coping.

Most surprising of all?

I'm alone.

With love, Beau xx 

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

For the first time in a long time
my heart is actually hurting.

Monday, 23 September 2013

I miss you in the most crushing way
that is to say
every second of every day. 

Monday, 2 September 2013

Dear darling

how did I screw this so monumentally up?

Saturday, 31 August 2013

All I know...

All I know 
is that I'm hurting
and it's because of you. 

Friday, 16 August 2013


So here are the last 
little secrets that I have held from you
close to my heart
the last that eat away at 
my flesh 
as I act strong 
strong for you.

I didn't book my escape 
to some far off place 
because I still thought 
like a little fool
that you would take me with you.

I thought you'd want to 
me in your life again.

How wrong and naive to think 
- that -
after all this.

P.S. I still get butterflies before I see you
and when I, once again, fail
to read your feelings
I blame them for clouding my vision.

With love, Beau xx 

Thursday, 8 August 2013

Do you know how easily my tears fall
When I act like I love you
Remind you that I do
And yet you don't love me at all? 

Sunday, 4 August 2013

Maybe I've always had you wrong 
maybe the only thing I've lost 
is an imagined someone. 

Friday, 2 August 2013

The problem is

I can't cry 
in the rain
for anyone else.

I can't feel
safe in their arms.

I can't reveal
the depths of my depravity.

I can't tell
them these depths of darkness
that I reach.

I can't giggle
like a child
around them.

I've tried
Oh I've tried
To the best of my ability
So that when they ask
I say that I am fine
and this hubris of mine
is me.


No love will ever achieve 
the deep tenacity of ours
which reaches our souls
and burns our hearts with fire
each time we consider the
terrible deeds we have 
subjected it too.

It may be fragile but it is a love so enduring

I cannot let it go.

"You hold all the tickets, I hold all the fines"

With love,
Beau xx

Monday, 24 June 2013


It's so quiet
there is nothing here
except for the sharp, stabbing pain

and the absence of you
from my future

and the absence of me
from your heart. 

Sunday, 23 June 2013


You have been 
the moments of life
that have made everything worthwhile 
and made my laugh live.

My plans no longer have meaning
my heart may be closed
and tears may keep streaming
from my eyes.

I will never lose the memories
the possibilities 
and the hope.

Though that is now hopeless
I will lie, awake 
and do it anyway. 


of you, of me, of us, of love 

it's all I have left. 

With love, Beau xx

Wednesday, 29 May 2013


The best thing about being an adult
is that you make your own family 
and all I wanted 
for such a long time
was to be part of his.

So ironic then
a sweet little torture 
that when I was within 
a whisper
of the adventure 
that would bind us together

that's become an impossible thing.

One trip 
that was to be the making of us
and of love. 

When I am sat alone
at home 
cold and imagining his happiness attending that on his own

this will all come to haunt me.

With love, Beau xx

Sunday, 21 April 2013


Yeh. That.

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Trick of the light

Look at me darling
coming back again
unfailingly doing what I always do
like a kicked puppy.

It's pathetic, really,
but when I get a jolt of
nausea or pain it is a quiet
that I am alive.

So I'll probably pretend to be strong
for a time again
and then I'll return
to this game
to have a turn
to play.

I like hurt
If I didn't I could t possibly like you

(and I really really like you)

With love, Beau xx

Monday, 18 February 2013


I miss your bed and your face and your smile and your voice and your stubble and your teasing and your arms and your eyes.

I miss you.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

You can't imagine how good it is
to see time fly again
this is how I really know
that you're gone from within.

Thanks for leaving. You did the best thing.

With love, Beau xx

Thursday, 24 January 2013


The crushing disappointment
reminds me that I wasn't wasting my time.

The overwhelming hope joy
reminds me that I have received so much from life. 

With love, Beau xx

Saturday, 19 January 2013


Dreaming in general
has become a dangerous pursuit,

I don't dare to want the things I do
so my subconscious does it for me.

With love, Beau xx

Wednesday, 16 January 2013


Here's a plea to every person out there
who is confused, or lonely, or emotional;
being second/third/tenth best
never feels ok
no matter how much you want it to
to achieve the outcome that you daydream about
so don't ever let yourself be it. 


You will get hurt,
there will be a reminder 
a photo or a comment 
and suddenly every emotion that you've suppressed
will come flooding back
when you last need it to. 

With love, Beau xx

I want

I want to be the girl you call when you have a bad day
I want to call you when I have too
you make me laugh and I think I do the same
so if any equation seems perfectly solved
it is surely this one?

How frustrating, then, that it isn't
and I can't just come out and tell you 
boldly, directly, as I do with every thing else
that that is what I want.

(I suppose it could be that I want
never seems to get)

With love, Beau xx

Tuesday, 15 January 2013

For better

So here it is then
the moment that I had dreaded
for so long
for I am on my own
for better or worse
in the cold north... strange it is then
that I feel so content.

The sudden realisation that I have been 
putting off an event 
that actually had little effect
is almost irritating.

By the way,
I am partly putting this down
to the sheer number of smiles
you have put on my face
of late.

For better or worse?

For better,
for much, much better. 

With love, Beau xx

Monday, 14 January 2013

'Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again'

There's a reason I keep up this bad habit.
At least we both find it amusing
how laughably fallen for you I am.

At this stage,
you could do anything and
I would still
come running back.

At that I sound awful and lost and useless

but I keep doing it with the vague
unending hope that something good
will come from it.

With love, Beau xx

Saturday, 12 January 2013


Just for a moment
I kid myself
that there is some innate element of this
that is special, unique, important
'meant to be'

And then you remind me
through my membership of your
exclusive club
that there is no love story here.

That I can fall for you
over and again
looking into your eyes
and seeing someone who I care for
so much.

That everytime
I will get hurt
I will fall on my face
because you have never fallen for

My biggest death
when my heart drops
and my mouth goes dry
with panic
is when I realise you've fallen for someone
else instead.


I will fall for you, again.

With love, Beau xx