Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Hello There

the angel from my nightmare 

welcome to the cold times.

With love, Beau xx

Sunday, 4 December 2011


I opened, at last,
and then you went
taking the things that had cushioned this fall
with you.

And what a silly girl I am
for pretending this wouldn't
hurt me properly after all.

Because now a thousand knives penetrate my skin
and I am a thing
on a list that stretches a mile long.

I am the past. I am a story. I am words.

I am not a heart or a feeling.

With love, Beau xx

Saturday, 3 December 2011

In this dimension

4 weeks is a very long time

With love, Beau xx

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Sun is rising

My cheeks hurt
because I have smiled
for the last 14 hours

With love, Beau xx

Friday, 25 November 2011


I wish

that we become how we were

that I remember that night and whether
I said no,yes,maybe

that you trust me

especially when I say
that since I've been yours

I have not looked at a single other man
as anything other than a friend
because I do not see their faces.

I miss yours
I love yours
I am yours

And I can't bear the thought of an incident
that I cannot recall or fathom
throwing that all away.

Here it is: Please I need you. Please don't go.

With love, Beau xx

Thursday, 24 November 2011


I'm not going to beg
for you to forgive me
because if I do that
and it is your love for me, your pity for me
that changes your mind
we will be eternally haunted
because you must be the one to decide.

I will say this

I love you

& I more than kind of need you.

With love, Beau x x

Wednesday, 23 November 2011


I'm burning up inside
surely this is what you do when you enter hell
and that appears to be where I am
and that is because of me, and you, and us

and the things we do.

Did, though.

Because that is past
although I wish it wouldn't last
as part of memory
my history.

I detest the fact I am just a number
on a list that you have lost the strength to remember.

I detest you
in all honesty.

I detest you
for changing me

for breaking my morals, personality, humanity down
into digestible pieces
for your own pleasure.

And killing me with your mind games
emotional, caring names
false gestures.

Because you never cared, never

I am just a number

that is all I remember.

With love, Beau xx

Wednesday, 9 November 2011


That name filled with warmth
brings light to my life.

With Love, Beau x x

Tuesday, 8 November 2011


For me
this was once in a lifetime
and yet it has shattered everything.

And so for you
who has acted this scene
a thousand times
how do you even survive?

And I realise that it was that drive, to keep you alive
that made me hold too tight.

I cared and in that I was mistaken.

Because you have wounds to heal
and I am just a meal
that keeps your soul's starvation
at bay.

Do you realise that I am destroyed?

Do you realise that I'm still your toy?

Do you realise that I can help you boy?

I can help you
and I want to
and I don't think you've had that for a while.

With Love, Beau xx

Monday, 31 October 2011

This is the thing

This is where my heart can't take over.

Sunday, 30 October 2011

In my head

I should not be inserting you into my dreams
you said never
and I believed

but I can't help but picture
you & me.

With Love, Beau xx

Un amour

And suddenly
there comes a gust of wind
and the foundation shifts.

It is a smile
that has reinvented all this.

That has reminded me
who me
used to be.

and I am new again
and that is a confusing

What is this?

With love, Beau xx

Monday, 24 October 2011


My heart is melting bit by bit,
he's got me in a little twist.

I smile every day.

With Love, Beau xx

Friday, 14 October 2011


And now I am like this
I can say
the things I've been meaning to
the truth, or at least underlying shadows
of us.

For instance
that you hurt me, occasionally,
and that that emphasises the fact, in my mind,
that I am not good enough.

And that, sometimes, I wonder
if you know who I am
because I always act happy for you
because that is what I feel I need to do.

But then I remember the times I've been honest about the past
about my heart
how despite the scars
you said
I love you
before I knew it to be true.

And I realise that it's more that I need
from you, rather than that the foundation isn't there.

With Love, Beau xx

Are these cliched terms conveying correctly?

Because occasionally I worry that they seem false, fake, immature

Which is the opposite of what they are.

Fairy stories

Once upon a time
I mentioned forever
or almost forever at any rate.

I have never regretted saying anything more.

Because although we're not there yet
I'm looking at this rationally
through a grown up's eyes
(because supposedly we are both grown up's)
and seeing that this risk, hurt, complication
would not be worth it if that wasn't a possibility.

So no I'm not planning for it
I'm not resting on it
and I'm certainly not going to force it.

But I have no intention of going anywhere

and I kinda like you.

With Love, Beau xx

I tried my best to never let you in

We are different

because we were entirely an accident.

For once,
the first time
in a long time
love was the last thing I wanted.

And then you came.

And you made me fall
because of who you are
not because of what I hunted.

It is you that I am in love with

and for that reason
this, us, we are real.

(But in all honesty I think you know that because it courses through every moment I spend with you)

I can't deny this anymore.

We wouldn't be trying this if it wasn't true.

With love, Beau xx

Sunday, 2 October 2011


My definition of home has suddenly
and unexpectedly

No it's not what you think
or rather it's not where I now reside.

It's a place that moves
a place that grounds me
a place that is a person.

Because isn't home meant to be where you feel safest?

Here's the kicker

I feel safest with him

With love, Beau xx

Wednesday, 14 September 2011


'Don't you worry your pretty little mind,
people throw rocks at things that shine'

I pinch myself when I realise he's mine.

With love, Beau xx

Monday, 5 September 2011


Why be so bloody convoluted.

my darling I want to be yours

in fact I already am.

I have a plan, I have an atlas in my hands

There's this thing
hanging over our heads
a monster, a shadow, a haunting.

What with decisions
being made at a particular point in time
things can change
and my plans aren't quite as perfect now.

So another decision is looming
whether it'll actually be made....

....well that I don't know.

One thing I do know is that this:

'I know it's gotta stop love but I don't know how'

is the last thing I want to be relevant right now.

Whether he agrees with me on that
whether he's a fighter, a dreamer, a believer
I can't quite tell.

This is a big one.

With love, Beau xx

Thursday, 1 September 2011

How to save a life

I love working out
where things are going
as they go.

But maybe that's because,
so far,
things have been going
rather well.

Is this it?

With Love, Beau xx

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Auribus teneo lupum

I'm addicted to my partner in crime
and this summer of.....who knows?

What I do know is that I'm enjoying every second.

Taking this wolf by the ears
and running with it

With Love, Beau xx

Tuesday, 16 August 2011


One of the best lessons
I have received of late was

have low expectations and then great things will come as a happy surprise

And although this message
was tongue in cheek
to the vast extreme
in the case of that particular person
it has worked perfectly.

Every day is an extraordinary surprise
I'm a very lucky girl.

With love, Beau xx

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, 7 August 2011


There is a moment
when you have the choice
to either fall over the edge
or protect yourself
from both harm and love.

You can feel the tugging
but equally the potential will to turn away
and you consider both options
because you fear pain but hope for....something.

I think
I chose to fall.

So much for one night.

With Love, Beau xx

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Rolling in the deep

Life has changed
G is gone
done, dusted.

But here I am being myself again
and thus
the world has thrown
somewhat of a spanner in my works

I met a someone

And I know he's a someone
even though I try desperately to deny it.

With Love, Beau xx

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, 24 July 2011


it's not safe to wear my heart on my sleeve yet

Oh crap

Flip Reverse

I realized the difference
between this and everything that's come before.

I've known all along that this was special
but it's kinda awesome
to know why.

Ultimately it comes down to this:

Whereas before I couldn't imagine my life without someone, I was afraid to minus them out after the fact.

Now, this time, even without full commitment, I know I have to have him in my life. I have to make him a part of my life. I have to plus him in.

It's that which makes this so very ridiculously special.

With Love, Beau xx

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, 23 July 2011


This photo
Is from the day of my grand return.

He scarfed his gift down

In short in the opposite way to how he does anything else.

I lahved it.
Ah memories.

With love, Beau xx

- Posted using BlogPress

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Nothing's greater than the rush that comes with your embrace

surprisingly easy it turns out.

I guess my boy missed me just as much
as I missed him
he just expresses it differently.

That quote most definitely applies.

With Love, Beau xx

Sunday, 17 July 2011

Two words

Two words

'take care xx'

and my heart crumbles a little bit more.

I wonder
if he realises
that I have taken more risks
than could ever be logical. Or safe.

With Love, Beau xx

Childish games

When the games we've been playing
involve the mind more than the soul
involve the negative more than the positive
then we destroy each other.

I wish we'd play games
for fun

Because we have that together: fun in enormous quantities.

(copyright: Francesca Russell)

I even do cartwheels.

With Love, Beau xx

Friday, 15 July 2011

Problem No. 1

Our biggest problem is that
simply isn't used to

Or at least he cannot
deal with the way
I lose my mind
get properly pissed off
and say things I don't mean.

It's an awful habit
but you have to get it
to love moi.

And that's why he doesn't love me. Yet* (*I hope)

We've said goodbye before. So I'll be ok. Right? RIGHT?

(This picture reminds me of all the reasons why I love him)

Trying not to die inside a little each day
but my normally forceful hope
is shaky.

With Love, Beau xx


Things have changed. I've changed. That's why I'm back.

Beau & Bub ended (officially) in Deciembre. Though we died inside long before that. I became me for the first time in a long time. I was a happy girl. But then I did the dumb thing.

I fell in love again.

This guy isn't new. Not in the slightest. In fact on here you know him as G. But I saw him through single eyes as a grown up and bam. Love. Truly. Crazily. In a kinda....permanent...way.

Then all this: went traveling, we went to fast, talked everyday, came home - early, got collected, slept, lay, fell more, money is valuable, fell again, it got hard, missing him, priorities, a talk, desperation, clinginess, I said I wanted to be alone - lie, I cried, a lot, fell more as I appreciated the amount of pain, asked for him back, kinda, invited him over.

So I see him. Tuesday. God knows what will happen. I've never felt this way before. I am terrified. We will see.

With Love, Beau xx