Monday, 17 December 2012

Diary Date

This is the regular reminder
of which you are a fantastic provider
that I need to look for more.

Because you get me this close
to some crazy notion
that there is a one and only
and that you might be it

and then again
You provide me with the knowledge
that we are not a thing
that's right for me.

Thank god for that at least.

With love, Beau xx

Sunday, 2 December 2012

The Wilderness

"Honey, we need to talk"

How many times in this year
have I tried to say that phrase?

How many time in this year
have I failed?

And it's for all the wrong reasons
like that you need to be saved.

And I'm sorry because honesty escapes me
every single day.

If this was right
why would my heart decide
to miss him every single day?

With love (always), Beau xx

Sunday, 25 November 2012


I admitted that
what I've been feeling
is more than sad

and that I'm scared

and sick

and you held me

and made it as better as you could.

For that
I will love you 
with everything I possibly can.

Sunday, 21 October 2012

I am

so happy
right now
at last.

With love, Beau xx

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

I think I might be running out of tears to give, to cry.

Sunday, 14 October 2012


You screw up my life
and now you screw up my head.

Please just leave me
to die
or survive.

Please just leave me be.

With love, Beau xx

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

And if

If I feel this alone
after losing you for a night
then what does that suggest
that our future holds?

My best friend came to stay
came to play
and it was so much fun.

Now you're gone
and I know it's not 
a permanent fixture

or at least it might be.

Oh those words
send tingles of fear down my spine
because it just wouldn't be right
it just wouldn't be right
for us to let this go, this light,
this night

for the sake of someone so determined
to slight us.

It is clear that
I was given an easy choice
if I had lost my voice
and had failed to tell you that I was done
I could still have won
he could have won.

But I made a choice
one annee ago

and that will last for ans, forever.

You are it.

Believe me, choose life, right, light, happiness, us. 

With love, Beau xx

Sunday, 30 September 2012

An empty fear

I am afraid.

The stakes are now high 
and I am unprepared
to say goodbye.

I'm also unsure 
of myself
and you
and my value.

So this fear grows
the happiness of summer
seems long ago

I am lost
for I cannot feel
that you will still love me.

I love you,
more than I ever anticipated.

I am afraid.

With love, Beau xx

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Right now
I try to avoid thoughts of
the way you kiss my hair, my neck.

I focus on words spent
the truths expressed
the cold, unemotive prose that
wraps up the matter at hand.

We were never planned.

So I must stop seeking signs
and instead use my mind

not the plague of a child's
view of love.

With love, Beau xx


Monday, 13 August 2012

"If happy ever after did exist, I would still be holding you like this"

- this happiness, satisfaction, calm. This can stay. This is love.

Thursday, 2 August 2012

Cough Syrup

The worst feeling
I have felt
is the moment when
the person you love most
won't or
tell you why they're hurting.

I have felt it before
and I was too weak
to deal with it.

So now with you the symptoms show
and I'm scared
because you seemed different

and yet you trust me with nothing
your feelings
let alone everything else.

With love, Beau xx

Monday, 11 June 2012

Hello/Good Night

I'm looking forward to the moment
he climbs into bed next to me
at a little bit past midnight.

Being on opposite sleeping/working schedules 
is not very much fun.
but I will relish in the 7ish hours I get by his side.

With love, Beau x x 

Monday, 4 June 2012

One night

cannot change everything
if you don't let it.

And can change everything
if you do.

Lesson learnt 
not everything needs to be taken
so damn seriously. 

With love, Beau x x

Sunday, 3 June 2012


Tonight you let me leave
choked with tears. 

There is a moment

when you're voice has little love in it
and we slip into endless silence
because of me being low and negative,
when my whole body shakes
with fear
and emotion
and the need to cry.

It's horrible, that moment.

I should stop making them.

With love, Beau x x

Friday, 1 June 2012


I am not worthy
of the love that comes to me
from the most worthy and good person I know.

I feel guilty,
in this situation I am a fraud.

I am not good enough
and that makes me sad.

With love, Beau xx

Monday, 28 May 2012

Lesson learnt

The best kind of love
isn't that which flares and burns in the night sky
with flashes so strong it uplifts you
but burns you too.

No the best kind
or so I've learnt in these last few months
is that which is silent and subtle
glowing in the background of every moment.

I've had the first kind and it hurt.

The second kind doesn't
because while it's not perfect
it comes from tenderness and care and adoration and appreciation
not from the quick desires of the human form.

This kind of love is precious
and that is why I'm holding on to it.

With love, Beau x x

Sunday, 27 May 2012

The problem

is that I feel secure, content, loved, special
but also gone
because I am
and I miss him.

That isn't to say this is impossible
I can't do it
or I'm going to give up in any way.

It's just to say that I do.

With love, Beau x x 

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

I hope the way I feel lasts forever.

Wednesday, 16 May 2012


There's a chance
that this is all in my head.

That when I see a problem
he sees, well, nothing.

Paranoid android much?

And the kicker is
I'm then stressed 
about this imaginary hatred
he is feeling for me

and taking it out on him

usually in my head
as he sleeps next to me.

And now I've realised
that that's just silly.

I love him, and that's why I'm still here.

He loves me, and that's why he's still here.

It really is
as simple as that.

With love, Beau xx 

Monday, 14 May 2012

The precipice

I can see it
I can see the end
I can see the edge
I'm falling over it
And you're not stopping me.

For a moment it feels
as though
(as I'm wrapped in caring arms)
that you don't want to see my end.

But that stops
because I'm still scared
that you'll be gone
come morning sun.

I don't know when I'll feel ok again.

With love, Beau xx

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

He is the place

that I run away to
and yearn for
and daydream about.

I'm strong
I am
but I need to be weak
when I am there.

Because I'm only being honest
if I show my weakness too. 

But honesty, weakness, vulnerability
that's a terrifying thing...

and now I've really taken the risk.

With love, Beau xx


you didn't make me feel better.

you made me worry more.

you made me feel guilty

for having feelings at all.

With love, Beau xx

Saturday, 28 April 2012

This love

could weather a thousand storms,

it does,

that's us.

With love, Beau xx

Monday, 23 April 2012

I know

that I don't deserve your sympathy.

But when I'm telling you
that I'm not okay
and that I can't escape 
would you listen, and tell me 
that I'm going to be alright?

Because when you abandon me
when you say goodnight
I'm alone on this Earth. I'm alone.

With love, Beau xx

Wednesday, 18 April 2012


I've been waiting for you
and will be
all my life.

Waiting room

So now, my love
I wait for you to decide
if you were waiting for me
or I was just part of the ride.

I can't blame you
I hate me
I would hate me.

I love us. For the record. 

Waiting is a stressful thing
a stress which
with the irony of a scot
I managed to take out on you
and so really seal my lot.

I regret that. So. 

In the end, all it took was for the truth to be known
for me to realise
that my mistake was in taking you 
for simply home.

For you're much more,
you're potential
the heart that keeps me alive.

I've been sleeping 
in this dive and breathing
has been...hard.

I miss you.

So now, my love,
I am waiting.

With Love, Beau xx

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Just like that

you're back from the dead,
making me miss you again.

With love, Beau xx

Friday, 9 March 2012

Preventative Measures

I should not keep restricting
the things that slip out
of my mouth
around you.

The thing is 
I never tell you quite how bad
I really feel

like tonight how I've cried, through the night.

When you hurt me, albeit inadvertently
I hide it away in a locker inside my heart
(admittedly easier to do when we're apart).

I am afraid, you see
of you leaving me
to an irrational degree.

And so in that locker
everything gets stacked together
until eventually I express it




The thing is I've done this before
and destroyed myself in the process
and you don't really know how bad my head
has been.

And that fear comes from forces far beyond insecurity
and those forces should no longer define me.

So why do they? And why can't I simply believe
that you actually love me?

With love, Beau xx

Thursday, 8 March 2012


& when he sends me words
to say I miss you
just because

I love him, that is all. 

Monday, 20 February 2012

The awkward moment

when we're on the phone
and it feels like
I'm the last person you want to talk to...

and my problems have no justification in your mind
at all.

With Love, Beau x x

Saturday, 18 February 2012


Tracing back through the days
trying to figure out exactly where
I lost myself

I've given myself quite the scare.

Because as I review the memories
of the last few centuries
(or so they have seemed)
I realise that yes, I am not me
but there is a possibility
that this is real.

The complexities
are really just a method of discovery.

And all this pain I have caused
in myself
and in others
might be who I am after all.

If that's the case

I really need to withdraw
and work this thing out
before I fall all over again.

Calling myself out 

Telephone en voie de disparition
(photo credit: flickr)

With love, Beau xx

Friday, 3 February 2012

Mea Culpa

We have played a game 
of reversing roles where
I have crashed into you
and hurt you.

(although I don't believe beyond repair)

I was so busy, absorbed, occupied
chasing whilst staring over my shoulder
at the you regarding me
waiting for your attack
that I didn't realise I
was putting knives in your back.

Here we are
you've taken a stand
and I miss your hand
in mine. 

And whilst they all clamour for my attention
I can feel the tension

it's in my heart
because this is the crossroad
where possibility
becomes reality
or history.

"I don't care if it's five minutes or a whole night

I just want to see you"

With love, Beau xx

Sunday, 29 January 2012

I miss him
that's everything.

With love, Beau xx