Life is good

and when life is good

most stuff goes your way.

It's not like everything's perfect

yet I can handle it

I'm not drowning

I'm coping.

Most surprising of all?

I'm alone.

With love, Beau xx 

For the first time in a long time

my heart is actually hurting.

I miss you in the most crushing way

that is to say

every second of every day. 

Dear darling

how did I screw this so monumentally up?

All I know...

All I know 

is that I'm hurting

and it's because of you. 

Secrets

So here are the last 

little secrets that I have held from you

close to my heart

the last that eat away at 

my flesh 

as I act strong 

strong for you.

I didn't book my escape 

to some far off place 

because I still thought 

like a little fool

that you would take me with you.

I thought you'd want to 

include

me in your life again.

How wrong and naive to think 

- that -

after all this.

P.S. I still get butterflies before I see you

and when I, once again, fail

to read your feelings

I blame them for clouding my vision.

With love, Beau xx 

Do you know how easily my tears fall

When I act like I love you

Remind you that I do

And yet you don't love me at all? 

Maybe I've always had you wrong 

maybe the only thing I've lost 

is an imagined someone. 

The problem is

I can't cry 

in the rain

for anyone else.

I can't feel

safe in their arms.

I can't reveal

the depths of my depravity.

I can't tell

them these depths of darkness

that I reach.

I can't giggle

like a child

around them.

I've tried

Oh I've tried

To the best of my ability

So that when they ask

I say that I am fine

and this hubris of mine

is me.

But.

No love will ever achieve 

the deep tenacity of ours

which reaches our souls

and burns our hearts with fire

each time we consider the

terrible deeds we have 

subjected it too.

It may be fragile but it is a love so enduring

I cannot let it go.

"You hold all the tickets, I hold all the fines"

With love,

Beau xx

Here

It's so quiet

there is nothing here

except for the sharp, stabbing pain

and the absence of you

from my future

and the absence of me

from your heart. 

Now

You have been 

the moments of life

that have made everything worthwhile 

and made my laugh live.

My plans no longer have meaning

my heart may be closed

and tears may keep streaming

from my eyes.

I will never lose the memories

the possibilities 

and the hope.

Though that is now hopeless

I will lie, awake 

and do it anyway. 

Hope

of you, of me, of us, of love 

it's all I have left. 

With love, Beau xx

Redemption

The best thing about being an adult

is that you make your own family 

and all I wanted 

for such a long time

was to be part of his.

So ironic then

a sweet little torture 

that when I was within 

a whisper

of the adventure 

that would bind us together

that's become an impossible thing.

One trip 

that was to be the making of us

and of love. 

When I am sat alone

at home 

cold and imagining his happiness attending that on his own

this will all come to haunt me.

With love, Beau xx

Confused

Yeh. That.

Trick of the light

Look at me darling
coming back again
unfailingly doing what I always do
like a kicked puppy.

It's pathetic, really,
but when I get a jolt of
nausea or pain it is a quiet
reminder
that I am alive.

So I'll probably pretend to be strong
for a time again
and then I'll return
to this game
to have a turn
to play.

I like hurt
If I didn't I could t possibly like you

(and I really really like you)

With love, Beau xx

Haven

I miss your bed and your face and your smile and your voice and your stubble and your teasing and your arms and your eyes.

I miss you.

You can't imagine how good it is
to see time fly again
this is how I really know
that you're gone from within.

Thanks for leaving. You did the best thing.

With love, Beau xx

Renew

The crushing disappointment

reminds me that I wasn't wasting my time.

The overwhelming hope joy

reminds me that I have received so much from life. 

With love, Beau xx

Daydreaming

Dreaming in general
has become a dangerous pursuit,

I don't dare to want the things I do
so my subconscious does it for me.

With love, Beau xx

Shutdown

Here's a plea to every person out there

who is confused, or lonely, or emotional;

being second/third/tenth best

never feels ok

no matter how much you want it to

to achieve the outcome that you daydream about

so don't ever let yourself be it. 

Ever. 

You will get hurt,

there will be a reminder 

a photo or a comment 

and suddenly every emotion that you've suppressed

will come flooding back

when you last need it to. 

With love, Beau xx

I want

I want to be the girl you call when you have a bad day

I want to call you when I have too

you make me laugh and I think I do the same

so if any equation seems perfectly solved

it is surely this one?

How frustrating, then, that it isn't

and I can't just come out and tell you 

boldly, directly, as I do with every thing else

that that is what I want.

(I suppose it could be that I want
never seems to get)

With love, Beau xx

For better

So here it is then

the moment that I had dreaded

for so long

for I am on my own

for better or worse

in the cold north...

...how strange it is then

that I feel so content.

The sudden realisation that I have been 

putting off an event 

that actually had little effect

is almost irritating.

By the way,

I am partly putting this down

to the sheer number of smiles

you have put on my face

of late.

For better or worse?

For better,

for much, much better. 

With love, Beau xx

'Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again'

There's a reason I keep up this bad habit.

At least we both find it amusing

how laughably fallen for you I am.

At this stage,

you could do anything and

I would still

come running back.

At that I sound awful and lost and useless

but I keep doing it with the vague

unending hope that something good

will come from it.

With love, Beau xx

Instant

Just for a moment

I kid myself

that there is some innate element of this

that is special, unique, important

'meant to be'

And then you remind me

through my membership of your

exclusive club

that there is no love story here.

That I can fall for you

over and again

looking into your eyes

and seeing someone who I care for

so much.

That everytime

I will get hurt

I will fall on my face

because you have never fallen for

me.

My biggest death

when my heart drops

and my mouth goes dry

with panic

is when I realise you've fallen for someone

else instead.

Ouch.

I will fall for you, again.

With love, Beau xx