Hello There

the angel from my nightmare 

welcome to the cold times.

With love, Beau xx

Stolen

I opened, at last,

and then you went

taking the things that had cushioned this fall

with you.

And what a silly girl I am

for pretending this wouldn't

hurt me properly after all.

Because now a thousand knives penetrate my skin

and I am a thing

on a list that stretches a mile long.

I am the past. I am a story. I am words.

I am not a heart or a feeling.

With love, Beau xx

In this dimension

4 weeks is a very long time

With love, Beau xx

Sun is rising

My cheeks hurt

because I have smiled

for the last 14 hours

straight.

With love, Beau xx

Alternative

I wish

that we become how we were

that I remember that night and whether

I said no,yes,maybe

that you trust me

especially when I say

that since I've been yours

I have not looked at a single other man

as anything other than a friend

because I do not see their faces.

I miss yours

I love yours

I am yours

And I can't bear the thought of an incident

that I cannot recall or fathom

throwing that all away.

Here it is: Please I need you. Please don't go.

With love, Beau xx

Hello?

I'm not going to beg

for you to forgive me

because if I do that

and it is your love for me, your pity for me

that changes your mind

we will be eternally haunted

because you must be the one to decide.

I will say this

I love you

& I more than kind of need you.

With love, Beau x x

Cleanse

I'm burning up inside

surely this is what you do when you enter hell

and that appears to be where I am

and that is because of me, and you, and us

and the things we do.

Did, though.

Because that is past

although I wish it wouldn't last

as part of memory

my history.

I detest the fact I am just a number

on a list that you have lost the strength to remember.

I detest you

in all honesty.

I detest you

for changing me

for breaking my morals, personality, humanity down

into digestible pieces

for your own pleasure.

And killing me with your mind games

emotional, caring names

false gestures.

Because you never cared, never

I am just a number

that is all I remember.

With love, Beau xx

Tala

That name filled with warmth

brings light to my life.

With Love, Beau x x

X

For me

this was once in a lifetime

and yet it has shattered everything.

And so for you

who has acted this scene

a thousand times

how do you even survive?

And I realise that it was that drive, to keep you alive

that made me hold too tight.

I cared and in that I was mistaken.

Because you have wounds to heal

and I am just a meal

that keeps your soul's starvation

at bay.

Do you realise that I am destroyed?

Do you realise that I'm still your toy?

Do you realise that I can help you boy?

I can help you

and I want to

and I don't think you've had that for a while.

With Love, Beau xx

This is the thing

This is where my heart can't take over.

In my head

I should not be inserting you into my dreams

you said never

and I believed

but I can't help but picture

you & me.

With Love, Beau xx

Un amour

And suddenly

there comes a gust of wind

and the foundation shifts.

It is a smile

that has reinvented all this.

That has reminded me

who me

used to be.

and I am new again

and that is a confusing

upsetting

devastating

exciting

thrilling

hopeful

fateful

thing.

What is this?

With love, Beau xx

Nowadays

My heart is melting bit by bit,

he's got me in a little twist.

I smile every day.

With Love, Beau xx

Hello

And now I am like this

I can say

the things I've been meaning to

the truth, or at least underlying shadows

of us.

For instance

that you hurt me, occasionally,

and that that emphasises the fact, in my mind,

that I am not good enough.

And that, sometimes, I wonder

if you know who I am

because I always act happy for you

because that is what I feel I need to do.

But then I remember the times I've been honest about the past

about my heart

how despite the scars

you said

I love you

before I knew it to be true.

And I realise that it's more that I need

reassurance

from you, rather than that the foundation isn't there.

With Love, Beau xx

Are these cliched terms conveying correctly?

Because occasionally I worry that they seem false, fake, immature

Which is the opposite of what they are.

Fairy stories

Once upon a time

I mentioned forever

or almost forever at any rate.

I have never regretted saying anything more.

Because although we're not there yet

I'm looking at this rationally

through a grown up's eyes

(because supposedly we are both grown up's)

and seeing that this risk, hurt, complication

would not be worth it if that wasn't a possibility.

So no I'm not planning for it

I'm not resting on it

and I'm certainly not going to force it.

But I have no intention of going anywhere

and I kinda like you.

With Love, Beau xx

I tried my best to never let you in

We are different

because we were entirely an accident.

For once,

the first time

in a long time

love was the last thing I wanted.

And then you came.

And you made me fall

because of who you are

not because of what I hunted.

It is you that I am in love with

and for that reason

this, us, we are real.

(But in all honesty I think you know that because it courses through every moment I spend with you)

I can't deny this anymore.

We wouldn't be trying this if it wasn't true.

With love, Beau xx

Corazon

My definition of home has suddenly

and unexpectedly

changed.

No it's not what you think

or rather it's not where I now reside.

It's a place that moves

a place that grounds me

a place that is a person.

Because isn't home meant to be where you feel safest?

Here's the kicker

I feel safest with him

With love, Beau xx

Ours

'Don't you worry your pretty little mind,

people throw rocks at things that shine'

I pinch myself when I realise he's mine.

With love, Beau xx

Truth

Why be so bloody convoluted.

my darling I want to be yours

in fact I already am.

I have a plan, I have an atlas in my hands

There's this thing

hanging over our heads

a monster, a shadow, a haunting.

What with decisions

being made at a particular point in time

things can change

and my plans aren't quite as perfect now.

So another decision is looming

although

whether it'll actually be made....

....well that I don't know.

One thing I do know is that this:

'I know it's gotta stop love but I don't know how'

is the last thing I want to be relevant right now.

Whether he agrees with me on that

whether he's a fighter, a dreamer, a believer

I can't quite tell.

This is a big one.

With love, Beau xx

How to save a life

I love working out

where things are going

as they go.

But maybe that's because,

so far,

things have been going

rather well.

Is this it?

With Love, Beau xx

Auribus teneo lupum

I'm addicted to my partner in crime

and this summer of.....who knows?

What I do know is that I'm enjoying every second.

Taking this wolf by the ears

and running with it

With Love, Beau xx

Classroom

One of the best lessons

I have received of late was

have low expectations and then great things will come as a happy surprise

And although this message

was tongue in cheek

to the vast extreme

in the case of that particular person

it has worked perfectly.

Every day is an extraordinary surprise

I'm a very lucky girl.

With love, Beau xx

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Clifftop

There is a moment

always

when you have the choice

to either fall over the edge

or protect yourself

from both harm and love.

You can feel the tugging

but equally the potential will to turn away

and you consider both options

ardently

because you fear pain but hope for....something.

Tonight

I think

I chose to fall.

So much for one night.

With Love, Beau xx

Rolling in the deep

Life has changed

G is gone

done, dusted.

But here I am being myself again

and thus

the world has thrown

somewhat of a spanner in my works

I met a someone

And I know he's a someone

even though I try desperately to deny it.

With Love, Beau xx

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Maybe

it's not safe to wear my heart on my sleeve yet

Oh crap

Flip Reverse

I realized the difference

between this and everything that's come before.

I've known all along that this was special

but it's kinda awesome

to know why.

Ultimately it comes down to this:

Whereas before I couldn't imagine my life without someone, I was afraid to minus them out after the fact.

Now, this time, even without full commitment, I know I have to have him in my life. I have to make him a part of my life. I have to plus him in.

It's that which makes this so very ridiculously special.

With Love, Beau xx

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Charming

This photo

Is from the day of my grand return.

He scarfed his gift down

Inelegantly

Childishly

Hungrily.

In short in the opposite way to how he does anything else.

I lahved it.

Ah memories.

With love, Beau xx

- Posted using BlogPress

Nothing's greater than the rush that comes with your embrace

D Day

surprisingly easy it turns out.

I guess my boy missed me just as much

as I missed him

he just expresses it differently.

That quote most definitely applies.

With Love, Beau xx

Two words

Two words

'take care xx'

and my heart crumbles a little bit more.

I wonder

if he realises

that I have taken more risks

than could ever be logical. Or safe.

With Love, Beau xx

Childish games

When the games we've been playing

involve the mind more than the soul

involve the negative more than the positive

then we destroy each other.

I wish we'd play games

for fun

instead.

Because we have that together: fun in enormous quantities.

(copyright: Francesca Russell)

I even do cartwheels.

With Love, Beau xx

Problem No. 1

Our biggest problem is that

G

simply isn't used to

me.

Or at least he cannot

deal with the way

I lose my mind

get properly pissed off

and say things I don't mean.

It's an awful habit

but you have to get it

to love moi.

And that's why he doesn't love me. Yet* (*I hope)

We've said goodbye before. So I'll be ok. Right? RIGHT?

(This picture reminds me of all the reasons why I love him)

Trying not to die inside a little each day

but my normally forceful hope

is shaky.

With Love, Beau xx

Fresco

Things have changed. I've changed. That's why I'm back.

Beau & Bub ended (officially) in Deciembre. Though we died inside long before that. I became me for the first time in a long time. I was a happy girl. But then I did the dumb thing.

I fell in love again.

This guy isn't new. Not in the slightest. In fact on here you know him as G. But I saw him through single eyes as a grown up and bam. Love. Truly. Crazily. In a kinda....permanent...way.

Then all this: went traveling, we went to fast, talked everyday, came home - early, got collected, slept, lay, fell more, money is valuable, fell again, it got hard, missing him, priorities, a talk, desperation, clinginess, I said I wanted to be alone - lie, I cried, a lot, fell more as I appreciated the amount of pain, asked for him back, kinda, invited him over.

So I see him. Tuesday. God knows what will happen. I've never felt this way before. I am terrified. We will see.

With Love, Beau xx